"Rampage"

Most of you who have known me a while, and seen how I handle myself may find it hard to believe I just uttered such a word.
But, I have a condition where all my negative emotions (sadness, anger, ect) tend to get looped into me becoming upset.

Some of you may even think that I'm just a pussy cat and cannot behave in such a way.
One of you, my closest and dearest friend - Whom is the one I love - had actually seen it.

Many of you cannot beleive me to be capable of such, since I always seem so kind, compassionate, caring, and balanced - for the most part.

It's not a long term thing, but if I get upset enough, I tend to go through a series of what I consider "dangerous emotional outbursts." Once it's triggured, it can be days, weeks, or months to calm it down - depending on how badly it was ramped up.

However, it tends to take a lot to get me that upset.
Moreso now that I have used meditation and other methods to keep it in check.

This has been a diagnosed condition since my early childhood.
While it does not excuse my behavour, it is a contributing factor.

There was one person, that while he was emotionally there for me, has been the only person capable of grounding me enough to prevent this set of outbursts. That same person sadly ended up having to bear it once because of outside influences upon both of us. Those influences shutting him down and making him seem to be "not emotionally there" for me, while making me more and more upset. I suffered through months of torment before the fuse was finally lit.

This is the bombshell within my soul, the reason why I always say I have an extremely short fuse that is hard to light.

It the biggest setback of my own personality, and I always strive to keep it in check.
I would much rather be the kind, compassionate, and caring kitty you all have seen so much of - VS letting this monster out of the dark corners of my mind.

I use meditation as a means to keep it under control when I get upset. It's why I tend to get quiet and/or completely recluse myself and not say/do much of anything with anyone.

It is easier when my "ground" [my one and only] is here to help me through this process. He can help keep it at bay just by simply holding me close.

Now that I am having to deal with the [still oncoming] death of a very dear loved one. {My own Mother}
I feel that this will upset me immensely, and may lead to a small rampage that could last a few days.
I am attempting to prepare myself, and my home for such an event - while trying to keep it at bay as well.

So, I may be needing some space, something I should have done with my love 2 years ago - but failed to protect him from.

I know deep down inside, I have always been, and will always be a kind, compassionate, and caring person.
I will continue to be this kind and compassionate person, even after I have dealt with this upcoming issue.

I thank you all for you care and support.
Even during this, the month before my birthday.

Always full of love
Always a Starlight.