I completely and utterly lost it today.
I was tricked into doing things I didn't want to do and then trapped for hours with no way to get home. I snapped because of it. I didn't care anymore and I was accused of being selfish.
I just hate that I exist. I wish I had never been born and I am disgusted at myself. I am actually overwhelmed with how much I feel trapped in my entire life.
I hate being me. I hate who I am and what I am like.
I became ilbv to get the fuck out of my life. I am so upset that I actually feel this way and my god I don't know what to do about it.
There is someone I know and am close to, and they are the perfect person. They have everything I wish I had and everything I wish I could be. This person has friends and gets to go and see them all the time, and it is a lot of friends too, they are all never alone. This person is funnier, smarter, much better looking, stronger, more confident, has a voice that sounds like it belongs to them. This person is just so awesome and perfect, this person is real. This person is happy with who they are.
I am not. I hate everything I am. I hate how I sound, my voice makes me sad. I don't feel like a male, I feel like I have more estrogen in me than testosterone. I don't like "guy things" I have this higher squeaky voice like a freak, I like arts and music and things like that. I can't relate to guys, and I hate myself for it. I hate how feminine I am. I feel like a freak. I hate that I'm dramatic and sensitive to even the smallest of things. I feel like no one will understand me.
I've got a stupid name, low self esteem (I used to have a strong one but I don't know what happened), and I just don't want to be me anymore. I want out. I want an escape. I want the hell out of my life.
And of course awesome woohoo there are some (very few) people in real life and maybe some of you guys online who Love and "care" about me and whatever. sure awesome great. It still does not change the fact that I don't love myself. I fucking hate myself.
And it seems to never get better. you can hug comment all you want and say it will get better, but it doesn't help and it doesn't make me feel better.
There is something seriously wrong with me and I don't know what to do.