My letter to Dr. Phil

Dr. Phil,

Around 1 and a half to 2 years ago, I began a downward spiral into a series of selfish, stupid, and insensitive behavour that not only massavely hurt the one I love, but made him leave.

I believe it started to form due to me working a lot of hours and overtime at my empoyer of the time. Due to staffing issues.
I was not home as often as I would have liked, and was not there for him a good chunk of the time.

This led him to spending more and more time talking to friends of his over the internet.

I started to become afraid of something that wasn't really there.
Afraid of losing the one I love.

I became so afraid, it took control over me.
I began starting arguments over him being close to his friends.
Almost constantly threatening to leave him over an unfounded fear.
I caused him great pain and heartache from how I was acting, and there was no real reason for me to behave that way.

As long as he was still with me in person, he wasn't going to go anywhere. I needed to let myself understand that and be happy with what I had, but I failed to do so.

This fear led me to say and do many hurtful things to him. None of which I really meant to do, because deep down inside, I still love him.

He put up with it for several months before finally telling me that as of then, we were to just be friends and see where it went. I feel now that he didn't really want to take it to that, that he wanted to see if I could improve and be the loving partner I always had been. But nothing was changing. I failed to see what I was doing, how I was acting, and how stupid it all really was.

While he had never given a final answer as to how things were working out between us, and if we could work things out, I responded to this with another grave mistake.

Instead of looking within myself and trying to figure out where I went wrong, I physically "replaced" him. However, my heart is not ready to give up on my love, so I could not really love this replacement. Eventually, this new person starting showing me what my mistakes were, by doing them himself to me. I was stringing along someone who was simply reminding me of where I went wrong. So I rather quickly ended it with him, knowing it was not going to work out. It was the best thing I could do for both of us.

That is when I really started looking into myself, and finding out that what I had done was so horrific that it scares me to tears. I normally am a fairly laid back individual, and this sort of behavour is not only the way I would not have been normally, but the way I never wanted to be.

A few months after my love walked out of my life, he started to come back around. Started to be a friend who cared about being a part of my life. Even started to show care for me as an individual. Shortly after, his family approached me and said that if I had not replaced him, we may have already been back together. At this point, I began to feel like I completely failed the one I truly love. The one person that I not only have waited for before, but promised to wait for for eternity.

He and I continue to be close friends, and I know my heart doesn't ever want to give up on him. It never wanted to. Now, a year after he said that to me, I really do wish I could have him back. I wish I could have made better decisions in how I handled myself, and wish I can at least try to make amends for the damage that has been done.

I now strive to not only be a better person, but also to have a more positive outlook on life. Even without him, I do have things going well for me now. I am happy we are able to be friends, but I do wish we can take it a step further eventually. I really miss him and still love him dearly, and I am pained to know what it was I had done that led to all this. Pained to know that I will be waiting again for that final answer, all because I really messed up.

I am writing this because I feel that I have begun to take steps towards improvement on my own, but I feel that I will be needing help to get over some of the bigger hurdles ahead of me. Help to make amends within myself so that others, including him, can forgive me for my past transgressions. Help to make the bigger leap into being a much better person and not letting fear overtake my mind again.

I know for a fact that I never wish to hurdle down into that path of poor behavour ever again, and I need help and support in my walk towards the higer path of enlightenment and betterment.

I want to become a better person overall, because I really do want my love back. He is, and always will be, my one and only.