Sometimes it gets to me. Everything is so awful and sort of falling apart around you and you can't even say it's unfair because every action causes a reaction and you understand why things happen the way they do.

I try to talk to someone close about it and she says something that hurts me even more. She doesn't mean to hurt me, she just says what she thinks and it's not even rude or anything but makes me want to run and hide and get that thought out of my head. It's like I speak some dead language nobody else knows so no matter how clear and coherent I try to be people get something wrong. I tried so hard to explain it to you, I spent all my time on it...

Sorry for whinging again but this is the only place I can do it without anyone who knows me irl seeing it and getting inconvenienced about it. I guess this is what people feel when they delete their galleries and change accounts - but no worries, I know it's pointless. Even if you burn all the bridges you'll end up trying to re-build most of them in no time.

I want to disappear, not die, just sort of fade and end up on some other layer away from it all. But I don't think I'm more important than anyone else and I know I'm opinionated and resilient enough to get through it without inconveniencing people around me unnecessarily.

But I think at this point I feel better when people uncomfortable with me, my thoughts and my art walk away instead of sticking around and getting unpleasant feelings. It's only a half-truth because other times I feel underestimated, not given any chance to show my true colours. Someone said it's better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not but honestly... everyone just wants to be loved.