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"Food fills me with angst." by BlueNire
Other titles could have been...
"Should I stay fat or keep fighting "the good fight" with my body?"
or
"Why I need body-positivity in my life."
TRIGGER WARNINGS: eating disorder, the word "fat"(in it's original, basic context), self-abuse, body-positivism, and the phrase "What do you want to eat?", and I'm gonna cuss sometimes.
"What do you want to eat?" is a trigger-phrase for me.
I know that that seems a bit strange but let me try to guide you through it..
My coworker asked me casually "What do you want to eat for lunch?" on Tuesday..(Doesn't matter which Tuesday..)
It was a question that I promise you, is just as innocent as you're reading it now, but in my particular mind that question is always fully loaded.
Loaded in memories.
Loaded in abuse,self-abuse and in grief over societal expectations.
The reason is because; my answer, no matter what it is, will end up tearing me up for the next several hours.
I dread it.
The questionnaire of course has no idea that they've just sent me on another one of my self-hating, internal tirades.
But here we go...and here it comes...
"What do you want to eat?" What do I want to eat? You're a fatty! you shouldn't be eating SHIT! ..but..but I have to answer them. THEY can see that a person your size shouldn't be eating either! Just tell them you're not hungry! but I AM hungry. I'm hungry all the time...That's why you're a fatty-Mc-fatterson! All you do is eat eat eat! But I don't! I'm... I'm on that new ____ diet! I've been really "good"! See? I've lost 20lbs already! .and you want to fuck it up now? by eating?! Well, no..You know if you answer them, they and everyone else who writes on the order will know what you get. They'll all judge you for what you get. What..if I just got a salad? HA! A SALAD? They all know that you're just trying to bullshit everyone. Everyone knows you don't get your size by eating salads! They know that and they'll make fun of you. I have to answer this person though... I haven't had breakfast yet and I'm soooo hungry...
etc..
Next thing you know I'm sobbing at my desk and no one could possibly understand why.
I shouldn't have this "relationship" with food.
Where every time I eat is an emotional and mental endeavor.
This is ridiculous.
I know it's ridiculous.
I have an eating disorder.
Y'see, I'm what I believe to be a "naturally fat" person.
I've been fat since I was 5.
When I say I'm a naturally fat person, I mean that my body has got it in it's crazy little chemical-based primordial brain that I SHOULD be fat. Just as there are people in the world who are naturally thin.( I talked a little bit about my beliefs in this journal here->https://www.weasyl.com/journal/38578/why-thin-people-are-not-fat-and-why-fat-people-struggle-to-be-thin)
Here, let me try to give you another example: My sister and I lived in the same environment, we have the same biological parents, had the same "diet" growing up and generally had the same activity level.
She has always been thin and I've always been fat. The end.
We, naturally thin-people and naturally fat people; if we want to change our bodies, we have to wage a never ending war against it. Where for naturally thin people to pack on pounds or muscle, they have to fight for every inch, where a fat person, also has to also fight for inches in the other direction.
It's a war.
If I choose to fight that battle, it is a NEVER-ENDING war and no one can fight it for me.
There is no end. My body will always WANT to be fat, so it will make me hungry, slow me down, and make me cry over eating a damned pint of Ben n Jerry's.
Now...I would never claim to be an expert, but I do have lots of personal experience.
I have been fat (300 at age 14), thin (150 at age 16), fat (320 at age 20), thin (125 at age 22), fat again (310 at age 25), and a little less so now(232.8 at age 30).
I've been on the Weight Watchers diet, Atkins, SmartOnes, Slim-fast, low-fat, low-calories, low-carb...every god-damned diet you could even imagine, I've probably been on it.
I have had an awful lot of experience in fighting my enemy (my body).
And to be 110% honest with you, when I did "win". I never "won" fairly or easily.
That's right, I cheated a lot. I'm not proud to admit it.
I binged and purged, took tons of laxatives, extreme calorie reduction and developed obsession with calories...
Every damned cheap-shot you could think of, I've probably thrown at it.
(...I just I haven't tried gastric-bypass yet but my partner won't let me. (Darn))
It would be one thing if I were in this fight to be healthy.
However, I gotta be honest with myself,and with you...
I'm not doing this to be healthy.
FUCK "healthy".
I want to be thin (beautiful, accepted), at any cost.
At any price.
There lies the big (ha) problem, my friends.
"Are you losing weight to be healthy? or just to be thin (beautiful, accepted)?"
Which brings the one question, that all my life I've been desperately seeking the answer to.
" Is it better to be thin (thin=beautiful) at all costs, or to be mentally happy, and to finally learn to love thyself?"
Which is more important? Which?
The media (world? everyone?) would tell you that, no matter the method, as long as you're LOSING weight, and have lost weight; CONGRATULATIONS you're being "healthier"!
NO MATTER THE METHOD.
I know that's complete bullshit.
Binging and purging isn't "healthy". Being anorexic isn't healthy. Being so OCD about calories that you force yourself to throw up after accidentally eating a salad because " OOPS! I WENT OVER 900 calories!" isn't. fucking. healthy.
...and I've done all those things to myself.
I'm currently on the ketogenic diet because honestly, I think I'm so used to waging war against my body that I wouldn't know what peace feels like.
Peace with my body.
What would that feel like? Is it good?...is it what heaven feels like?
I wonder what it would feel like to not have this bazaar relationship with food and my body.
What if I learned to love myself, as is.
Wonder what that would feel like....
::The society police barge in, busting my mental door down( and knocking down one of my lamps for good measure)::
"DON'T YOU DARE! DON'T YOU DARE GO DOWN THIS TRAIN OF THOUGHT, FATASS!!"
wtf? 4th wall break, much?
"You CAN'T love yourself! You're disgusting, fat, gross, lazy, greedy and EVERYTHING THAT COMES WITH BEING FAT!"
...you guys just totally broke my lamp.
"You have to HATE yourself just as much as we hate you for being FAT! It's the only way you'll be thin!"
....like seriously that cost me like..15 bucks...
"FOR SHAME on you for wanting to love that Michelin-man-tub of a lard body! FOR SHAME!"
..I guess I can go pick another one up later...sigh you guys are so inconvenient.
" GOOD! SHAME ON YOUR FOR BEING FAT SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAME SHAAAAAAAME!!"
Seriously though.
What if I could be o.k. with myself as is?
What would it be like, to be able to answer the question of "what would you like to eat" simply and without the weird emotional trauma?
What would it be like to not cry over the concept that-because I am fat- I just do not have societal permission to eat certain foods. Ever.
What would it be like to not weirdly MOURN and literally sob grossly over watching others eat the foods I don't have the "privilege" to eat?
What would it be like to be able to leave my apartment without covering my body in shawls, sweaters, and the baggies clothes you can imagine when I LIVE IN FUCKING OKLAHOMA. ( It gets really fucking hot.)
What would it be like to finally, after all these years to toss in the towel, wave that white flag of peace, and proclaim " It's been a good fight, pal!" (while patting myself on the back) and say firmly, and believably....
" I am o.k. I am worthy of love, as I am."
I'm hunkered in the trenches, clutching the rifle of self-hate to my chest. It feels so familiar, an old, old friend...
Society has armed me to the teeth with all the ammo I could ever possibly need to take myself down.
The war has been so long, my whole life-long.
We've won a few battles at the sacrifice of myself.... my health..my sanity.
We've also lost a few battles at the expense of my self-image, my lovely collar bones...
I'm so tired. I'm so fucking tired and I am the only one who can fight this battle against myself.
No one can fight it for me.
Like some sick Roman coliseum set-up, Society is rooting for the battle in the comfort of the stands, but I am alone here and I'm wounded.....
Wounded, and endowed with the lowest self-esteem you can fucking imagine.
...and I think I'm finally thinking the right thoughts...
Finally asking the right questions.
I'm looking down at this loaded gun full of shame, and self-hate...and I'm wondering.
What it would be like to feel peace with myself.
What is more important; This war against my own body, or my happiness?
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Nire
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Comments
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Thank you for taking the time to reply and sharing your story with me!
I'm terribly sorry that you seem to suffer from some very similar troubles as I do. Even at opposite sides of the spectrum weight-wise, it sounds like we suffer from the same demons.
Thankfully it sounds like you're in a much better environment and you've found a coping mechanism that I can understand! (getting stoned) I wish that worked for me, personally. I tried it once and I often wonder if it was laced but I've heard that many people who suffer from anxiety and various neurosis do very well on ganja. (If that's what you mean by "stoned" :) )"The voice of them" I think I like that label a LOT better than my own because I recognize that true society is full of people with a wide array of opinions and whatnot, so it isn't fair of me to lump everyone into a box. "Them" is better because I often wonder if the "voices of them" are really my own voices that have developed and...Well I think you understand what I'm getting at!
Environment.
Maybe you're right about being in a bad environment. My home-life is fine, but my work place is awful. I work IN the health industry, where they haven't quite learned yet that, there is a good and terrible way to lose weight. They really are all of a mind that the end results are most important and how you get there isn't.... Which is terrible. (This is just the American health industry though, I hear it's MUCH MUCH better over in European countries.) So I'm sitting in the middle of all that. Our company has bi-yearly "biggest loser" events and promotes them throughout the building. The winner LAST month actually had by-pass surgery and I just.....I shake my head.Thank you again for your wonderful reply. I wish you the best, I really honestly do. I'm glad you're doing much better and I hope you continue to progress!! You sound like a wonderful and incredibly insightful and intelligent person! It's been a pleasure!
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Hateful people will always find something to hate on, no matter what you look like. So fuck 'em. Your happiness and health and safety will always, always be more important.
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Bless you, Briar! <3
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I personally deal with a less drastic version of this(I was 200 lbs at 14) and have been fighting for the last few years. I understand how you feel, and suffer whenever you look in the mirror and are not happy with what you see. My advice would be to continue to fight, but don't be so hard on yourself(if you can) and be more reasonable with your fight. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Society is a major pressure with its ideals, but keep in mind some of the depictions of women in the media are just fucking impossible without photoshop.
And you are right, not everyone is built the same, and not everyone can even remotely possibly fit into a "beautiful" mold.I hope whatever choice you make(to try your damnist to love yourself, continue fighting, surgery, etc) you end up happy in the end
Good luck you beautiful specimen you~
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Thank you so much for reading this horribly long journal of mine! I really appreciate it and thank you for the reply and the vote of confidence!
I hope that we both find happiness in the end! Whether that's thin or not!
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I am loathe to start talking about myself in a comment that should be all about you, but this resonated deeply with me because I have and do go through similar thought processes. I am conventionally unattractive, overweight, naturally stocky (think a hobbit-sized refrigerator), and blessed with mild lipedema that will never ever go away. I have gotten myself (after years of constant struggling, dieting, etc) to decide on "fitness over thinness" and just let my body do what it can and get to the place IT naturally wants to be. But still, it is so very hard to convince others to let me be and to ignore that no matter how comfortable I am presently, society will never be comfortable (tbh, it never is, about anything.) I am still going to get weird looks, turned down for jobs (yes, actually happened) and as an active outdoorsperson/naturalist, forever be faced to stare down a wall of "outdoors" equipment that is never ever made for someone that is built like me. Blargh.
I wish I could tell you what to do to make you feel better, but honestly that's going to have to be your job as your needs and experiences are unique to you. But if not being the "only one" makes you feel better, then there's this I suppose! There are, even under all the weirdos and loudmouths out there, a huge group of people who understand where you're coming from and share your struggles, and can see that you're great as is and that your body belongs to you! I hope you find what you need to reach that balance.
Also, I am terribly sorry about your metaphorical lamp ;)
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Nonono, I write this sort of thing to try to bring out people who, either have differing experiences (and can lead me closer to progress) or people who can relate! So I'm really happy that you decided to share with me your experiences! (I too am a refridgerator! >.> That came out wrong.. I hope you know what I'm trying to say!)
I am sorry for your experiences and your troubles and how you've faced such awful prejudiced in a field that you seem happy with. (outdoor-sian, naturalist)"I wish I could tell you what to do to make you feel better, but honestly that's going to have to be your job as your needs and experiences are unique to you"
You're absolutely right! As I cannot fight your battles, you cannot fight mine, but the sympathy is very appreciated.
...That lamp. ::sighs:: I'll have to think of a good eulogy...
"You've seen brighter days, but you've made my days brighter stil!" etc..;P
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I struggle with weight to a lesser extent and it all gathers in my gut, which is frustrating (it's like a beer belly lol). I go back and forth between "should I diet?" and "fuck it I'mma eat pasta forever!" However, I don't struggle with it to the extent that you seem to be struggling and I can't imagine what it must be like.
The battle is your own to fight, that's very true. People can encourage you or discourage you but in the end the choice is completely up to you and you only.
And because I can't speak for you, I will say this:
In my OWN experience I've found I'm much happier when I am in my "fuck it" mode. I don't necessarily eat horribly and I try to balance healthy stuff with not-so healthy stuff. My problem, though, is that I eat a LOT when I do eat and I don't eat often enough so instead of using the calories, my body goes into starvation mode and packs it all on -_- Working on that aspect of my feeding schedule haha.
I've had a bit to drink so I'm rambling, but my point is that if you stay fairly healthy and you're happy...then fuck what other people say. It's not their body so it's none of their business. You gotta do some soul searching to get in touch with yourself and love yourself for who you are because it's obvious that you have friends and people that love you! And I'm sure many others who enjoy you here in internet-land!
Eat what you think is a sufficient amount and don't be afraid to mix the healthy and unhealthy if you want to! It's not up to others to dictate what your body needs...and please don't harm yourself anymore. Eating disorders can be more destructive than some people think. They can do subtle damage to your body that can get worse over time.
So...in my opinion...you should work on being happy :) and maybe with time you can reach other goals, but happiness should be the first step to anything you're trying to achieve.
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"I've had a bit to drink so I'm rambling, but my point is that if you stay fairly healthy and you're happy...then fuck what other people say. It's not their body so it's none of their business. You gotta do some soul searching to get in touch with yourself and love yourself for who you are because it's obvious that you have friends and people that love you! And I'm sure many others who enjoy you here in internet-land!"
You are one of the kindest tipsy persons I've ever seen. XD
All seriousness though, I thank you an awful lot for taking the time to read this journal and to take the time out to even reply! It means an awful lot and you've said some really wonderful things and I have to say that as I've been really soul-searching this question like crazy lately, and I'm really really really leaning towards everything you've been saying.The tough part is taking in all that positivity, stewing in it and adopting it as a permanent attitude and behaviors... Ah, that will honestly take some time but I feel all that you've said is really the only way one can live happily.
Thank you again for your time and wonderful reply!
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as someone who recently developed bulimia i think i needed to read this. thank you as always for your insight and transparency. this is a difficult matter to talk about and what you want to eat is really a loaded question for many people today, unfortunately.....:(
Link
Lone Companion
"I have had an awful lot of experience in fighting my enemy (my body)."
This pretty much sums up what I have read of your personal struggles. What with the journals about the weight and that one about the insight into why you don't like being physically female. I have had the body-hate as a result of my Trans* issues. That journal about the Insight was spot on/I knew partly about that thing in the video happening from first-hand-experience even being aware of that as a kid. I also had some kind of eating disorder that was not nearly as long lived or severe as yours, that was related to the Trans* thing as I was trying to eliminate as much fat on me as I could to reduce the size of my breasts/hips/butt so as to screw up the female shape as much as possible. I am a very thin person as it is and this was like, a neurotic thing indeed. Trigger Warning: talking about throwing up: I puked so much I no longer even had a gag reflex unless I really really like, took a whole minute or something to try and puke. This was also from living back in my neurotic household with my family. Every time I go back there, out of a need to live somewhere, a battery of new mental problems emerge. I'm wondering if you still live with your family, and if that exasperates you problems but maybe not maybe your family is not a probelm. Or if you are in some other environment that makes things worse. Also my dad is a health food guy/runner and I would hear tons and tons about bad food additives and calories and my family pretty much didn't like fat and were worried about their arteries clogging up. You can't even eat some stuff there without hearing about it. Living here where I do now is the opposite and I can eat anything and not hear about what kind of crap is in it. I'll get irritated when my one health food friends is like: You you /know/ what is in that!? And I am like: I don't want to know. And he tells me anyway. And I give him the stare of death and lite into him about if I say don't tell me a thing I mean it. Seriously, behavior like that, shit like that and I will hang out with someone less. If I am like -- don't tell me this, there's a reason for it and it's probably because of a trigger. There is very little I won't talk about. It's like: Dude, I went though like over a year of puking until I couldn't even puke much anymore, and I weight 110 lbs; don't tell me the saturated fat content of some cookies. My life is short as it is and fuck it all I'm going to enjoy some motherfucking cookies. The time I spend fretting over this is not worth it.
Gods I probably threw up even salads.
When I finally moved to Vermont for a few months, after maybe a month or something of being there, the eating disorder stuff mostly went away. I can not emphasize enough how the environment I am in affects the development and the maintaining of my neurosis. I mean some of it I think is just in here wherever I am but a LOT of it is environment. When I moved out of my parents' house for the first time, into a dorm at college, like a day or two after I estimated my OCD dropped down to about 5% of what it was back at home.
Your "society police" are what I call "the Voice of THEM"
It's like, every time that someone on the outside /doesn't/ bitch at you, your own mind does it for you. most of my negative self-talking is about other things besides eating disorder stuff, like, I am sort of at the moment having a relapse thing but its not severe at all I'm not puking and /will not/ end up that way and I am eating food but I am fro whatever reason kinda paranoid about my body shape again -- but most of mine are obsessive compulsive disorder/traumatic events in my past related. I get stoned and sit around thinking about these voices and suddenly they are pretty ineffective at bothering me and I can just watch them chatter to see what they say and what to do about them.