It's called internalized misogyny and it's unfortunately really common. You're definitely not alone on this one

We very unfortunately live in a world that really does push and shove the message that anything, ANYTHING is better than being a woman, and this message gets shouted out everywhere be it by purpose or through internalized misogyny. Even in places you'd think were safe like queer spaces I see it everywhere and frequent. It's incredibly upsetting and troubling.

I've come to this conclusion as well in my journey of self-discovery. It's actually raised a lot more confidence issues than it has erased, because you see, I DO identify as male. And it is because of my own personal experiences with having to be the 'other parent' while my single mother raised my sister and I, and it must have something to do with this representation issue as well, but it always makes me worry that these feelings, this strong urge for me to 'right' my 'wrong' body is because of this internalized misogyny, directed into hating myself for my gender, or if it actually has anything to do with -me- and actual identity at all. I want to transition to escape my dysphoria, but I'd also hate to be feeling dysphoric because I grew up internalizing that I could not be "me" while also being female.

As someone who wants to understand the truth of my own condition and as someone who would call themself a feminist, I am stuck at a stand-still. I can't in all honesty, say for certain what the cause of my dysphoria is, but this is so painstakingly valid it hurts, and for my own personal experience, I think there is enough evidence for it to go either way.

This is a great analysis of racism and how it is tied to class not biology.
Great work ^^

Hmmm... I guess that kinda makes sense. That's probably why I hold a high regard for females, simply because I had three sisters and my mother and a father who was only there part-time.

I always played female characters in games because (until recently) I thought it was just cooler to be a girl who beat people up/solved the mystery/became a famous hero(ine).

A part of me still feels that being female is better, leading me to some gender identity issues... though, because my sisters always tried to exclude me from things, I never felt like I was truly one of them. So instead, I just try to reduce my male qualities as much as possible (not that I was ever really a cisgender male) and live my life how I feel like living it.

Just wanted to say to people commenting here as a whole - saying 'female' is kind of misleading, as that is generally used to indicate someone who was FAAB (female assigned at birth) rather than encompassing all women. (It also comes off a bit overly clinical, as if you're talking about an animal instead of a human.) Transfeminine people have to deal with these same issues, if not worse because they get transmisogyny on top of the regular misogyny. Society is cruel towards all women, not just FAAB folks. Some people do argue that female can indicate gender as well as sex, so it's not a perfect science, but generally it's better to say 'women and girls' when you mean feminine assigned (by doctors, parents, etc or by themselves) people.

Yeah, internalized racism and misogyny is so damaging. That reminds of me of this great talk by Chimamanda Adichie: http://www.ted.com/talks/chimamanda_adichie_the_danger_of_a_single_story.html

Also makes me think about the lack of representation/positive representation of trans people in the media. :C
In particular transfags like myself.

That was an interesting read and really eye-opening. My immediate family is very masculine-orientated and only recently have I started to notice it - the men have to be manly and the women have to be smart and not-very-feminine. My bf gets teased because he's sensitive, likes to draw, and doesn't do manly-man things like my dad does, and my sister is the girly one who likes to be pretty and nice which..is also things my dad finds annoying (he blames it on her bf - says he's making her take the "back seat" in the relationship or something). My mom is on the "butch" side in that she doesn't wear dresses or makeup and has her hair short, which she prefers, but my dad likes that. And me? I guess he sees me as the same because he's made terrible comments about "cross-dressers" and transgender people to my face many times (I doubt I'll ever tell him).

But I have the same fears as Sforzando does. Am I identifying as male because of internalized misogyny and the way my dad raised me? I have no idea but reading the other comments here is a bit comforting in that respect.

This is trippy stuff.

I actually had the opposite problem. My mother has always been my greatest hero. She was one of the first female EMTs in Arizona. She was the Health and Safety Director of the American Red Cross and made the chapter that she was in charge of one of the best chapters in the south. Everything she does, she does to the extreme degree and through it all, she always reminded me that "It doesn't matter what kind of woman you are, you're still a woman." I was raised with that my whole life. It's okay to like what you like, it's okay to do the things you do.

But I'm not. I'm not a woman. So there I sat, at a young age, absolutely convinced that I was not a woman, and yet absolutely terrified of telling the hero in my life that I wasn't after all she's done...it sucked. It still does. But there it is. I am who I am. Which is not a woman.

THIS THIS THIS a MILLION times THIS

Spot on
hit the nail on the head
Better than I could ever say it.

THIS THIS THIS a MILLION times THIS

Spot on
hit the nail on the head
Better than I could ever say it.

This sums up the problem better than just about anything I've ever seen.

I remember buying Pirates of Dark Water action figures when I was a kid (dating myself there, geez). They made a figure of all the major characters. Ren, Niddler, Ioz, even Bloth and half of his fugly pirate crew. But they did NOT make an action figure of Tula, even though she was right on the box art, right on the logo. She was the only real female character in the show (itself highly problematic), one of the core heroes, and one of the most powerful characters on the show, but she didn't get to be a toy because she was female, I guess. I remember being REALLY irritated by that as a kid. My irritation has not decreased with age.

I'm glad that people are calling this bullshit out more often now. I hope that it's a sign that things are changing.

I wish I was in good health enough to comment on how wonderful this journal is, all I can say is thank yo for speaking up. I have recently just rolled into something similar with this myself and it feels amazing to admit it. Thank you.