I don't technically get a birthday this year because it isn't leap-a-year. I've been asked when I actually celebrate it and I can't really give an actual answer. I don't really feel like I should or can celebrate my birthday this year. We're drowning in bills and this really difficult situation of transitioning from Flagstaff to the Valley. Right now all I want for my birthday is to get a job and get settled into this house we just looked at in Arcadia near Tempe. I just want stability and normalcy and not this constant fretting and stress. I have a job interview next week at a bio tech firm in Chandler that I'm excited for and I do have tons of applications out. The house we looked at today is super cute and in a great neighborhood and something I thinking would be perfect for us and starting a family. Its all so close and with in reach and yet at the same time so far away. Over the past few weeks we've had to deal with a lot. Puppy's dad passed away about a week ago, rather suddenly of a heart attack. He had to fly back to MS to take care of all the funeral arrangements while I stayed back in Phoenix and dealt with shit surrounding our ridiculously high water bill and stress with our landlord. Plus other things dealing with roommates and what not I'd rather not get into on here. Suffice to say this has been some of the most difficult and adverse times in my life and its been a struggle every day to force myself to get up and keep trying. I'm fortunate in that I have the support of my husband, my boyfriend and many awesome and amazing friends to keep going and striving for. I know there are people who love and appreciate me and that's what I have to remember in times like this when I have so much on my shoulders. We still need to figure out what do with our place in Flagstaff and get it subletted and of course I don't have a firm answer for a job yet. I want things to work out and try not to invest energy into the negative but its so hard lately, and I stopped taking my depression medicine because I don't have insurance and can't afford prescriptions. Right before I left grad school I was diagnosed with severe anxiety disorders and depression, and then I had to leave grad school because the thought of trying to live in a tourist town and making less than 16K a year was really daunting. Plus my husband's health is declining and he needs to finish his degree before we can ever hope to have stability. Further, I have become increasingly despondent with the academia. Maybe I just got burned out going for so long with out a break, or maybe I just couldn't take the stress associated with trying to do a dissertation and teach while not having enough money to make my bills, or maybe the prospect of giving so many more years of my life in pursuit of this advanced degree that doesn't seem to mean as much anymore just kind of wore me down to the point that I left. I also really want to explore the private sector model of doing science, and actually getting to do science rather than just think and write about science. This is not to say I'll never go back to finish my Phd but for now I want to have a job, and a place to leave work behind and not always having to deal with the academic guilt of constantly working. I want to be able to explore my art, my performance and finally have a family, and I couldn't see that happening if I stay in Flagstaff.

So with all that said, I guess the point of this entry is to say that for my birthday my greatest wish isn't for anything material. I just want the chance to have a life here, with a job and a home to call my own. So those of you out there who care, send positive vibes my way that we achieve this and finally get a chance to be able to have a life that I feel happy with.