Panic attacks are stupid.

Maybe if I keep telling myself that, it will stick. It feels stupid getting dry-mouth-shaky-sick-to-my-stomach over something so arguably trivial. Normal people don't have these problems, I tell myself. Normal people don't panic over having to make a phone call.

Do they?

I have, for years. The subject of the call can make a difference. Some contexts make it easier to push through my fear than others. For example, when I had to call clients as part of my job, I could do it. Hated it, but did it anyway. When it's a personal call, though, I will go out of my way to avoid it. I put things off, I stall, I make excuses not to call. I have always been like this. The sound of a phone ringing, even if it isn't mine, sends a thrill of awful panic straight to my gut. It's stupid, and I KNOW it's stupid, but that doesn't make it any less real or easier to deal with. Still, part of me feels like I should not desperately want a Xanax just to call in a damn doctor's appointment. It should not trigger a fight or flight response!

This is what crippling anxiety looks and feels like, and it sucks.

I have a couple ways of dealing with it, because there are things I HAVE to do, despite my brain's desire to lock up and hijack my body to prevent me from getting things done.

I will try to talk (or type) myself through the panic attack, much as I'm doing now, to get it out of my system.

I have supportive friends and family who gently but firmly remind me that I am an adult and I must do this, because no one else can do it for me. Or they threaten to beat me if I don't, for my own good (yes, self-deprecating humor there).

I will sit down and write a list of what needs to be accomplished by the phone call, so that I only have to ask my questions once and can cross things off and write down important information as I go.

I will eliminate as many distractions and excuses as possible before I sit down to make the call, so that I can focus 100% of my energy on it. I have trouble following spoken audio if I can't see the person I'm talking to. If my attention wanders at all during the call, I will miss things. I think this plays the largest part in my anxiety issues.

If necessary, I will assume a 'public' persona as a kind of safeguard for my mind. This one's hard to explain, but basically I have to 'put on my phone face' so that the person on the other end is speaking with an intelligible version of me instead of the part that just wants to sit gibbering in the corner.

Despite all of this, I usually fail to make the call at the very least the first time around. Often I fail several times. That was yesterday for me. There were a couple instances of 'I need to make that call' followed by 'oh, but I should do this other thing first'. Maybe it seems silly, but this is a huge struggle for me. I can and will overcome it, but damn is it un-fun when you're stuck in the middle of an attack. I'm still in the 'getting it out of my system' phase, but I'll get there. One way or another, I'll get there.

And I did manage to get that appointment made, though I kind of cheated. I discovered I could book it via a website first, which prompted the office to call me for details. Somehow my mind works better when I'm not the one who has to make the call first. I'm still shaky with adrenaline letdown, but I got my appointment scheduled.