Hi everyone,

Just really need to vent and well, I suppose a lot of things that I've suppressed over the years have came, recently, back to the fore.

I'm not going to sit here and recite the story of my life, not that I'm ashamed of it, nor that I feel that most of it has been documented over the years in public. Those who know me know some of it and others know facts that the first party does not, not that I'm trying to hide anything just since I haven't had a reason to discuss those elements of my life with them. If anyone actually is interested I have no problem with discussing it with them, some of the story may help people, some might not.

Needless to say I've repressed a lot over the years, a lot of stress, confusion, physical and emotional torment to try to get on with life or at least not take my own. With the changes in my life of late (most notably the loss of my mother and my granfathers wherewithal, my health problems and multiple crisis of self conference) I feel like those things that I have repressed have started to crack that barrier that I built to provide relief from such things, forcing my world to come crashing down around my head.

I'm cracking up and while I suppose it had to happen sometime, its really effecting my health, my sleep and my (weak at best) social skills and I'm sorry. You all deserve a lot better and as soon as I get a grip, start putting all of this mess back in its box I will be there again for you without seeming slightly disconnected and nonsensical.

I'm expected to keep everything professional, keep emotions in check and compartmentalise everything, that how I was brought up and old habits (especially ones that came with beatings) die hard, I'm thankful to my fur friends and especially my fur family for putting up with me during this time and in the board, allowing me to be myself. Today I broke one of my golden rules in regard to my public persona, I showed a little too much emotion and had a little melt down on Twitter. Everything that I said was how I feel but perhaps I should have said it some place else.

I suppose the major thing is that I haven't been happy or even myself since moving here, I feel like I'm living my life to a script written by others, doing things that I don't want to do, if I'm frank but I don't feel that I can escape this mess. It feels everyday like I'm on a out of control train, soon to go flying off the cliff, where in being on this train that I'm ruining my partners life and my own, but I lack the voice to speak out that I once had, I've lost my anger at how I've been treated over the years and losing that fire has somewhat broken me as a person. Everyday it takes me a hour to "stamp" on all of this crap just to be ok with getting anything done, I just want to sleep, to escape this existence but I can't as the repressed things keep giving me nightmares.

I just don't know what to do.