It seems plans have changed again, as they seem determined to do. I had to quit that new job, as of one month ago, and have been getting myself back in order4 and trying to figure out my next steps since then. I was able to refund a bit of my queue, but obviously I still have a ways to go. I'm going to be applying to some other places around town and try to do the part-time day job, part-time artist thing again I guess.

The job was very much a mixed bag. I was grateful for the good pay and benefits, and it felt good to be working alongside other people again... until it didn't. The more I got through my training and got to know the other people in lead positions with me, the more I saw what kind of work environment this was. The tasks I needed to do during my shift were very vague, and after my second shift without direct supervision, I faced a slew of issues. I was really struggling with the vagueness of my tasks and lack of direction, so I did everything I could to get coworkers to clarify things, to take notes of every thing I needed to do during a shift, to study how other leads handled surprise situations, and even went to the office for a one on one meeting to talk about my issues and try to get a leg up on things. Nothing I did seemed to help, and it ended up with me panicking and trying to get things done right while several people told me different things I should be doing and then telling me those same things were not the right things to be doing. It's difficult to describe just how jumbled and confusing and impossible to fulfill all these tasks were.

On top of all that, the more I got to know the other leads, the more I learned that racism and nepotism were a huge issue in this company. Not just with one or two people, but with like, nearly everybody. And the more time I spent around the leads (which I was forced to do, since we have to be in communication with each other), the more the line workers shut me out and started to outright ignore me in a weird Us vs. Them tonal shift. It got to the point where I couldn't even get my team to stay in the area and do simple tasks; they'd just say "No" to my face and walk away to go be on their phone or go on a random break. I greatly disliked the other leads due to the horrible shit they kept saying about people, and I was no longer on good terms with any of the line workers because of this strange social divide.

The last big factor was how much of my day I was losing, and all the various health problems I was starting to amass. I basically spent most of my day commuting or at work, with about 5 hours of sleep broken into two parts if I lucky. Fatigue was building up, and even though I had a 3 day weekend, it just wasn't enough to catch up and feel normal again. I felt mildly sick at all times, I couldn't stop ruminating over my job since it was confusing as hell and I felt like I was drowning in responsibilities to memorize, and weirdly my feet were going numb now and again. They seem fine now, but that was a bit scary and weird. I was only able to see my partner for about an hour a day, and I know that may not seem like a big deal for those of you in long distance relationships, but for me it was quite a painful change.

Overall, this was maybe the most isolating thing I've ever experienced. I missed my partner, I hated the people I was working directly with, I was confused at the connections I built with the line workers and then immediately lost, and I even got lightly bullied for being weird and having a "useless degree" while I was there (what is this, high school??). There was a lot more stuff I could say, but I think the point has been made about why leaving was the best option. It was seriously just... so weird there.

Anyways, I'm going to keep working on art in the meantime, and try to figure out what's next for me to stay afloat. I sure wish the concept of money could just go away right now, tell you what.