I'm 33 now, but not much has changed. I am still depressed that I was banned from furaffinity for literally no reason at all and the admins won't even tell me why they chose to do so. Winter is coming and I can't find the tools I want to prepare for it. My body aches and is in continuous pain. I can barely get out of bed these days. I can't find much joy in games lately either. I dunno what to do with my time most of the time. It all got much worse with my ban from furaffinity, because I lost access to a lot of the people I liked checking in on. I have a lot to deal with these days, which kinda made me less interested in stuff.

FA Ban: https://www.weasyl.com/journal/170580/

If you would prefer to not read a rant, simply don't go beyond this line.

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My dad has heart issues and appears to struggle doing the things he wants to do, even though he tries not to show it. I was trying to find a battery powered snow plow for the last few days, but every single result I could find on Amazon and such, appeared to all be scams. Companies that have extremely bad customer support and bad BBB ratings with lots of apparently fake 5 star reviews and bad return policies. I can't find any sort of cheap motorized snow removal tool to help clear the driveway through the winter. Snow can get several feet here easily and last year I watched my dad barely complete the task each time and struggle with it. I tried to help but with my scoliosis, I only managed to damage myself more long term. I'm still suffering the pain from it. Its annoying that there's so many scams out there these days, with bad return policies and high risks to get and try something. I gave up searching, I have no idea what I'm gonna do about it.

For the last several weeks, my hip has been hurting in one specific spot, but I don't know why. I haven't gone to the doctor because getting in contact with my doctor out here is more of a pain in the ass than I'd like it to be. Last time I went in, I felt rushed, and he ultimately said nothing was wrong with the specific problem I went in for. Didn't even let me talk about the other issues I wanted to bring up. I got sick with Covid shortly after so I couldn't get the blood test he wanted me to get at some other location. I guess I should call in and get that all started once more but god damn, I just hate this location's medical and dental services. Back where I used to live, it was easy to schedule an appointment. In fact, my doctor lived within walking distance, I could walk in any time I wanted. For some reason, I just hate making phone calls.

I'm an easily overwhelmed person, and I annoy people easily too with my personality. I feel like I'm an objective and unemotional person, but mostly its just that I have apathy and speak as if I feel nothing most of the time. If I get overwhelmed or people start to attack me, I get put on the defensive, and I am unable to handle it. I've been banned from a lot of discord servers because people don't like my personality. They call me condescending, or claim I'm a problem. In almost all cases of my bans, I can explain exactly why I wasn't at fault for a situation. However, the simple fact is, people in these places ban you for not liking you, not because you broke a rule but because you annoyed them. I find this to be corrupt and wrong to do, but there's nothing I can do about it. In some cases, I wasn't even given a chance, I said one wrong thing without realizing it or anything and was insta-perma-banned.

Like Timberborn's discord, where I thought it was ok to talk about politics in the off topic channel because the moderators themselves participated in the debates. I said something that slightly offended someone, they asked me to stop so I stopped. Right then and there. I woke up banned the next morning and they claimed to try to contact me, saying I had blocked them (but it was because they banned me, and THEN tried to contact me... Which means you can't contact the person...) and so, they made it permanent.. Its things like this that add to my depression, because there's literally nothing I can do about it. I loved that game, I wanted to participate in the community, but I can't. All their modders are only in that discord, the modding portal has no methods of contact on it except to join the discord. Map makers also only use that discord. Steam discussions are useless. There's no way for me to contact the community of the game I like, anymore. Its been one cause of depression for a long time thats piled onto all the rest of what I'm dealing with.

I could explain other bans too, but I just don't feel like it right now. Point is, I know that I bother people, and people demand I change immediately every time they point out my flaws. But its not something I can change. I've tried for years and years, and I believe I have improved. If you had known me years ago, you'd see that I was a much worse person. I don't really talk about politics as much now in the last year, I actively avoid that sort of thing except occasionally to express my dis-interest in political agendas being shoved into my television shows. People always want instant change though, they expect you to be instantly better, and to be the same as everyone else. Well I'm sorry, that will never happen. I will never be the same as everyone else. I am different, deal with it. Unfortunately, that just gets me banned a lot, or mocked, or treated badly.

I have Aspergers Disorder. I was diagnosed about a decade ago or so. I also have several other cognitive disorders. I struggle to interact with people a great deal. I prefer animals over people because animals don't judge me or care about my personality. I feed the local wildlife, even have squirrels run up to me to grab peanuts from my hands. People on the other hand, they all dislike me. I'm either treated bad by them, or ignored. I just don't know how to deal with it anymore, I've barely interacted with anyone lately, been trying to play games and distract myself from everything but eh. It just doesn't work. I'm too depressed to find joy in literally anything, particularly with the fact that I can't participate in the communities of some of my favorite games. Its funny, I can't enjoy a game unless I can talk about it with people who play it. I dunno why though. Meh.

I live in a home I can't fix up because the people who own it (my father and step mother), refuse to let me change anything in it. I can't change things I don't like, not even the color of the table, without first asking and its almost always a no. I have several things I wanted to do with the place that I was denied. So I must haul my laundry down to a laundromat on foot once a week. Another reason I'm in so much physical pain constantly, because my body simply can't take it. I have the perfect room in which I could put a washer and drier. A room that isn't being used for literally anything at all except to store all the boxes I keep from products I've gotten. An unfinished room even. But I can't put a washer and drier in there because it must remain exactly as it is for some reason, and I can't ask why because asking why is arguing. Asking why to anything gets me yelled at as if I'm arguing and doing something wrong. I don't like this situation, because it feels like I'm being controlled and managed as if I'm incompetent and don't deserve any responsibility or anything.

Back where I used to live, when I wanted to fix or change something, I usually just did it. I would tell my mother that x needs to be fixed because this and that reason. If she didn't want it to change, we would talk about why, and discuss the situation. Here, discussion is not possible. Any change, is a yes or no, and if no, you can't ask why, you can't discuss it. Its infuriating. I stopped trying for the most part. I feel defeated, like I'm stuck in a sort of prison. Sure, I can leave, but where would I go? I have it better here than I did back where I was, because I have my own house with my privacy and such finally. Its just a huge drawback that I can't fix anything even if I know how, or change anything, even if I'm competent enough to do so, with my own money.

I have no idea how to interact with my step mother either. She never comes out, and I don't like going over to their place. I feel sort of unwelcome. Anything I say could result in some sort of emotional response and I don't know how to handle emotion. My dad is pretty easy to talk to with his lack of range of emotion. His emotions are more simple and I can predict roughly how he would respond to something. My step mother however, I have no idea, I'm usually told things by proxy, my dad tells me if she was mad or glad or whatever. So I have little to no experience with interacting with her and I'm afraid if I say the wrong things to her one day, I may have to find a new home and I can't go back to the old one. I don't want to live with my mother again, in the same household with some small room with crappy internet and bad insulation and other issues in the middle of nowhere.

Everything's made a little bit worse, by the fact that I can't drive. I don't have the mental capacity to learn to drive. I stated earlier that I get overwhelmed easily. I am unable to learn to drive, and worse the person who tried to teach me to drive when I was young enough to possibly learn was bad at it. I also had an incident where I was driving around on my own inside an abandoned camp ground, came around the corner and suddenly gigantic pointy rock. I panicked and locked the breaks, skidding on the rocks into it at 30 miles an hour, causing a 7 inch V shaped dent which shoved the radiator into the fan and my face into the steering wheel. Car had no airbags I guess. I just can't drive though, I can't pay attention to every single item around me, it gives me a headache to try and causes me to slow down. This means that I rely on someone to drive me places.

Lastly, disability has all these stipulations and rules that ensure you live in poverty and a terrible horrible life. You aren't allowed to save any money up past $2,000. You aren't allowed to own practically anything. If you don't pay rent, 30% of your half minimum wage pay is deducted. If you work, half of what you earn is deducted too. Plus every 3 years or so they evaluate if they can cancel your disability. Its a complicated system of crap that I don't like and feel is wrong the way they do it. But eh. I'm stuck with it.

Ultimately, I feel powerless anymore, I feel like there's nothing I can do with my life. Its getting to the point where I almost have nothing left except to sit here and live for some reason, which is just so unappealing. I'm not a suicidal person of course, though I kind of hate life enough to wish I didn't have it sometimes, its not something I would ever do to myself if anyone reading this happens to be worried about that.

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Anyway, I guess I'll end my little rant. I'm just rather depressed about everything lately, and I don't know how to deal with it right now. I'm a day older now, not that anything's changed. I should probably have a therapist to talk to, but I don't, and that would be another logistical issue that I'd have to deal with.

Maybe on a different day I'll be more happy and stuff, but right now, today, I'm in a bleh mood. I have a lot of things weighing on me. Lots of stuff I can't change. I do at least, have a furry group of mine I started where I have friends I can interact with occasionally, which helps me stay a little bit above the water.