Music for the Day

I will not deny that I have a lot of flaws. After all, plenty of people called me out on many occasions. So, for example, I can act salty when I lose a game or get screwed over, often to sore loser territory. And while there are videos where this is entertaining, I will admit that I am not one of them. In fact, I believe that’s a massive part of why I don’t get invited to play games with others anymore. And to be honest, that’s fair, even if I have been working on curving my wrath and such. After all, losing is a part of life.

I will also admit that I do have some envious issues. Specifically, when I witness whenever someone in a group gets preferential treatment. I know that it’s childish of me. After all, the world doesn’t revolve around me, and I don’t know what this person did that let them gain such treatment in the first place. Perhaps they were super generous and helpful, or they were that charismatic. Regardless of the reason, I know it’s wrong, so I do my best to prevent myself from expressing it, though it does leak out as jokes and sarcasm.

I also felt that when it comes to people working together on a commission, artwork, or story. I confess that I hate it when I feel cut out from a group, and to see people joining up around me rather than with me felt disheartening. Really, it felt like people joined up with me out of pity rather than a desire to collaborate. But regardless, I shouldn’t feel any resentment since those people create fantastic stuff that I can only dream of.

Another issue I have, which I touched upon, is resentment. I cannot help but be upset whenever I do my best to work, whether it’s an artwork I commission or stories I write or planned to write, only to be brushed aside as meaningless. Even worse if I get called ungrateful and claim that I don’t join in the middle. This isn’t to say that my feelings weren’t unjustified all the time. But, at the same time, I should know better that, as I said before, it’s not about me and no one should devote their time, money, or work just because I was friendly or am planning a nice thing.

And finally, I feel upset whenever people decide to vent their issues in a stream chat. It’s not the venting that I’m upset about; after all, it would be hypocritical of me to complain about such when I have been using my journal as a vent post these days. It’s that there is an impression of a double standard. Namely, others can complain about their lives, the people they deal with, and such, yet I’m often told to shut up about my issues in the same chat if they are addressed. Again, I know that it’s not about me, and I should never make it so, yet I feel like I have to bottle up my feelings, thoughts, and interests in such places while others have that freedom. I know why that happens; there are specific nuances that I don’t fully understand, and not everyone follows the same topics I do. And to be a part of that chat, I need to set aside my interests and join up with theirs, even if it means bottling up my vents.

I have many more flaws, but I don’t wish to make this journal too long. I only wish that I, with God’s help, can improve upon them in time.