Music for the Day

If it wasn’t clear already, I am the self-deprecating type. I tend to comment on how much I suck, the stupid stuff I did, etc. In fact, though my memory can go on or off, I tend to remember every screw-up I did. In fact, among the earliest memories of my life is climbing up on a bookcase or sort that is around six feet tall and falling down. I’m not sure how old I was, maybe five or six, give or take a year. All I know is that I landed on my head, cracking it.

It was stupid then, and it’s stupid now.

Yeah, I tend to hang onto my screw-ups harder than I should. It doesn’t help that it seems that I keep screwing up, especially with people. So, if you were wondering why I tend to rely on making RPs and sharing pictures/stickers rather than conversations, that’s part of the reason since those are the ‘safer’ way of talking with others. It doesn’t help that, to my great shame, I tend to rely on passive-aggressive tactics.

It’s honestly to the point where, regardless of how I feel, I’ve been trying to get myself to think that if people have a beef with me, it’s all my fault. After all, they wouldn’t be angry or annoyed with me for no reason. And that, even if I am troubled by other’s antics, it’s better to think that I was wrong to think so and go along with it rather than share my point of view or, well, anything.

Perhaps this is poisonous thinking. I’m not sure. All I know for sure is that it never goes well whenever I showed my frustration, be passive-aggressive, or get into a debate or argument. No matter if it’s short-term or long-term. People I have chatted with decided to block me or blacklist me because of it, regardless of my regrets or reasons.

And, you know what? It would’ve gone better if I had done nothing but go with the flow. Sure, my opinions and comments may get ignored, my positive actions negligible, my presence tolerated at best, but if there is one thing clear to me. No one forgets a sin I have committed. Months, years, decades, it doesn’t matter, nor does it matter how trivial it is. My negative words and actions, no matter how little, destroy so many friendships.

It’s to the point where I wonder why I exist. I am sure that my characters and stories brought plenty of joy. Yet, does a little bit of good undo my sins? From my point of view, the answer seems to be ‘no.’

Yeah, this journal got a little depressing, didn’t it? But I’m sure tomorrow will be better.