I usually spend a lot of time wording my journals just right, trying to make them concise but informative. Please forgive me in advance if this one is rambly or confusing. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to talk about, and that's saying a lot given the things I've lived through.

The short version is, I took Jelly, my cat, to the vet yesterday. I got the lump on his leg looked at, as it's been swelling rapidly in the last 3 weeks after almost a year of inactivity from it. The worst case has come true, and it is cancer.

To catch those who don't know about his history up to speed; I found Jelly as a stray back in 2017 when I was on a walk. He clearly had something wrong with his mouth, I tried to contact the people living in the house he was sleeping outside of, only to find no one owned this cat. His front paws were declawed, so it was clear someone used to own him, and left him. He would not leave the yard of the house he slept in front of, so I wonder if the people just moved away without him. I took him home and tried for several months to have him adopted, as I knew I was not in a good financial position to take care of a pet. After many phone calls and interviews everywhere I could find, it was unanimously determined by each place that he was "unfit for adoption due to temperment". So, I now had a cat. Fast forward to last year when I was finally able to get him dental surgery, thanks to all of you. All but 4 little teeth were removed, and he was living his best life, eating food without pain. A few months after that, a lump on his hind left leg became noticeable, and I held another fund raiser to have it removed. Unfortunately due to a newly developed heart murmur, he was not able to undergo anesthesia safely and they had to stop the operation. They took a biopsy of his lump but did not tell me it was cancerous at that time, and told me to monitor its size until further notice. I started taking weekly pictures of it to keep track, and it seemed like it was just fatty tissue that would stay there. He was able to walk and seemed fine. As of three weeks ago, it had begun to rapidly swell, and he can no longer put any weight on that leg. Other than his leg, he is very healthy, though slightly underweight for his size.

The plan of action right now is this: A friend of mine has graciously offered to lend me the money for the $500 Xrays and examination, where they will determine just how far the cancer has spread, and if operation is possible or a good idea. I will be doing a fundraiser after the fact, to pay back this friend. Depending on those results, I will need to make a terrible choice. If it's only in his leg, they may be able to amputate the leg and stop the cancer. I don't know yet what that will mean for his quality of life, or for the vet bills in my future. The other option is to give him as comfortable a life as I can for however long he has, until his quality of life lowers to the point where I will need to put him to sleep.

To get personal, to get vulnerable, for a moment here. There are so many reasons and ways this hits me so hard. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. There have been times in the last few years where I genuinely didn't want to exist anymore, and this little guy of mine has been a source of strength for me to continue. Because he depends on me. I can't fail him. I know pets pass away, I know it's part of it. But to have it be this, to have it be cancer... it's so much. Around this same time of year, all the way back in high school, my own mom died of cancer. She had a piece of her body taken away, in hopes it would stop it, but it didn't. She had to slowly live out her life until it was "time to put her to sleep". I still don't know how to deal with that loss. How can I possibly take another, so similar.

I hate having to share this news. I love talking about my cat with you, I love drawing his silly face, showing him on stream. Hell I even have a bot in Discord that's named after him. I know a fair amount of you know this little guy. I'm so sorry you have to hear this news, too.

I will keep you all updated about how this goes.

I am gutted.