This is a Question that has been bouncing around in my head a lot recently.

But to keep it brief before I go full "Vent mode" is that-
1- I'm suspecting my Depression is back but to a very small degree even though I did "beat" it 2 almost 3 years ago
2- My motivation is very very low and I am debating on deleting two discord servers and a telegram channel
3- How recently lonely I am romantically.
4- The guilty things I want to get off my chest.

-Actual Vent post (rather long a warning)

For those who don't know why or I had depression, I had silently suffered with that and mild anxiety because of a traumatic incident from me losing a parent from a car crash a decade ago. It wasn't severe but out of a month or two maybe I had a few depressed days out of the month more than likely a mild case. In 2018 I reached my rock bottom and was sent to therapy by my folks which looking back did not really help but slowly but surely I got better somehow. And during 2020 (of all years) I was depression free and anxiety free or so I thought. I had random low points going into the end of 2020 and somewhat annoying mood swings sometimes happening now. I won't say that this is my old mild case but just a small fraction of the original dose of depression at least to me, and I'm not very sure with my mental health going onward as my older Depressed bad habits are coming back bit by bit.

My motivation in the beginning was posting for fun, and now it's really low. This may sound really entitled for me to say but I was rather hurt that no one not even my friends or mutual people I am acquainted with showed up in the discord server I dedicated to my project. Like I know I'm fairly small when it comes to some people I have known for years at this point but i was expecting maybe a few people or even one that is not a bot or a troll. It makes me wonder if I am being played or that I should not even bother making public servers because no one but a small group of friends or people I know will show up. Like I know views don't mean anything or a comment or a like i just want to feel that I'm not alone posting my stuff on the internet and no one even noticing. I'm heavily debating on deleting my project related server and retreating back to my older broken one that is not very active. I have been thinking about deleting my older server and telegram channel because only a small amount of people are on both. Granted I never expected to be big or as active compared to the other friend's servers I am in but I think my point has been stated already.

Another old issue that came up was me feeling very lonely dating wise. Like I know dating or finding a bf or gf is not very high on my list, but it's just really hard on me that I see others who are happy with their significant others be so happy and me feel like the odd one out. Like I feel like I would be okay in a relationship it's just I feel really lonely in general. At one point I was envious of others who were in relationships or were in a better one than I was in. I'm also unsure it's just me being very lonely in general or my Depression or whatever remains of it is messing with me. Lastly this was not bugging me until rather recently, and I'm not sure if this is an actual issue or just an issue my mind is tricking me into thinking that it is an issue.

From past and present events either my words or questionable word choices or just my general actions. I'm of course not going to name any of them because if you are like me a small mistake will feel like the biggest scandal in your own mind. And I either repress something or just don't acknowledge it anymore. Like silently i feel like every bad thing that has happened to me was deserved even if it was in my control or not. I'm not a dumbass and if i did something wrong or questionable feel free to call me out about it I'm not going to run or get defensive about it because my ego is really small and easily trampled. And if I seriously offended you or anyone I truly am sorry I have zero excuses for what I did even though it's rather cowardly me to address it like this rather than just one on one than face to face.
I'm not really expecting anyone to forgive me if I did piss someone off, and I can live being on someone's "I dislike list" I'm not trying to play any games or be an asshole or anything because what's the point of being problematic and just ignoring something that I did. Also I can agree that I have some toxic traits, interjecting my own story into a conversation being impatient and not listening and trying my best to correct it. And once again if I did offend anyone I am so sorry you don't have to forgive me I just want to get this off my chest to make my broken self feel better.

Besides what I said, that's what has been silently bugging me as if now, anything can change or any of the things I said can become irrelevant.