Over the past years and especially the last months, I've been saying and doing things I am not proud nor happy of. I never have been but now I'm becoming increasingly concerned, I feel sorry for it and it's starting to affect me more and more, I increasingly hate even myself. My journal from last night was yet another explosion of this; It was followed by a situation on another website (no point in naming it here) which I don't know if I will be able to repair with its admin after what happened. Combined with my existing self awareness and concerns, I realize it's something I need to start thinking about. The path this world is on is not an okay one, but neither is the one I'm on.

I have become ruled by a fear and determination which I now have a difficult time controlling. A fear of rules and authority, that festered since my days as a teen, has put me at war with pretty much most of the world which I convinced myself I must defeat. I'm attacking even causes I normally agree with sometimes, such as fighting against racism, out of fear that too much care and involvement into social issues is going to turn everyone into a tyrannical monster who will enslave me out of thinking they're doing a kind act. I'm now disgusted at the very concept of people having sensitivities, ridiculing those who allow themselves to care and have their feelings hurt by anything, hailing rebellion and carelessness and ignorance as my savior. For without ignorance and as long as people care, the fear that's driving some to hate others would be programmed against me next, because people are too stupid to tell right from wrong and so easy to radicalize... thus I must destroy even the good in human nature so me and others like me can continue to exist safely.

This is what I've told myself for longer than I can remember. It's at least part true, as in the past false fears and assumptions were used to abuse me for who I was, and sadly it's even worse now than back in my day... please understand I refuse to dive into details as it involves multiple things the majority cannot understand, including my different nature as a being. I subconsciously created my own golden book on the matter: If someone claims there's a danger you can't see with your own eyes, then uses that claim to force you to do something, there must be vile ulterior motives behind it, no matter what that pretext is. I feel sick whenever I even hear the phrase "experts say so" as I see it as a catchphrase of this tactic: To me the word expert equals charlatan, a nice label so some can make their opinions more important than those of others for their control. I've reached the stage where I'm no longer willing to listen to anyone else because I don't trust their judgment, I refuse to believe anyone can know better than me and what I feel... I don't even care what is true or not any more, to hell with reality itself for making my life this miserable! And yet, I know this isn't right in every sense and I'm doing something wrong... but if I were to stop, they'd take me for a fool again and expand their restrictions on me and make me do their bidding to punish me for being different and convert me to one of them! I can't surrender and accept having my life ruled by strangers and their visions again, but what I'm doing is wrong too... what the hell do I then do?

COVID is just one example, if it was anything else that resulted in restrictions I'd have reacted the same way. For whatever reason it truly happened and whether intentional or not, it matched this exact pattern perfectly, hence why anything related to it puts me down the same spiral. Why should I believe in a danger I can't see for myself... because the majority says it's there, knowing how said majority reacts in the face of fear? Why wouldn't they be doing this just to fool me into submission once more? But even if the danger was real, any sort of new obligation would still need to be rejected; Were COVID 10 times more deadly, or the apocalypse itself to occur... this part of me would still want everyone to simply ignore it and go on about their lives as usual, just to prove we won't accept being obligated to do anything new by those other people! The moment they started making the police fine or arrest us to wear masks, any hope of reasoning with me on the matter was lost: All I can see is war against the enemy, how I must defeat the fanatics trying to tie me up and cover my face with a rag, how hard I must show everyone that I don't care about their cause and no amount of harassment will make me stop disobeying! Why couldn't they be reasonable and just leave it up to everyone's choice? If they used some common sense... maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't be so hostile about it now and could be willing to listen and believe something goes on. Again they fucked me over by being the way humans always are... with their hate and tyranny and labeling everyone an enemy for not listening, when I never truly wanted to be anyone's enemy in the first place!

On the political side I wish to make myself clear once again: I never was a real Trump supporter nor could see myself being one! I can see why some people love him, but to me he doesn't represent the future. I simply sided with him toward the end... out of concern that if Biden and the Democrats take control of everything, they'll start locking people up and forcing them to wear masks and the whole world will become like China while America is going to start wars all over the world again (eg: for oil). When Trump won in 2016 I fell in a depression, fearing he's going to bring an army of intolerant fanatics to take away our rights... now in a twist of irony it was the opposite, I felt that if Trump doesn't win an army of fanatics would come throwing restrictions and censorship left and right.

With this out of the way I'll be very direct on another thing that went on last night: I was following the Qanon plan, which I still look at but more skeptically now. Their plan stated that during his alleged inauguration, Joe Biden was instead going to confess to the crimes of the deep state live for the world to see, after which the army was going to take over and hold new elections. I was surprised and felt betrayed when the army stood and watched while he was sworn in, feeling they got away again and the system won once more. And considering what happened at the Capitol, one of my first reactions was "now social media is going to start purging everyone who disagrees with the left under the pretext of fighting hate, Leninism 2.0 is coming".

Biden has already started doing good things: I'm not going to shy away from admitting this, and seeing it makes me regret that I had to do all this and take it so far as I did. He not only put a transgender person in a position of leadership, but also ended the disgusting and intrusive practice of immigration officials requesting people's social media accounts before letting them come to the US! Maybe he'll tare down that stupid wall of hate around Mexico next? Of course he also began a masking persecution as predicted, trying to force states to harass their citizens to wear that crap on their face. That's the thing: The left defends some freedoms and good ideas, the right defends others... I wanted to somehow take the best from both, hoping we'd have my ideal anarchy where everyone can do and say whatever they want.

I feel I'm stuck between the hammer and the anvil: If I don't fight against this weird and strict society it will force me to be like them again... if I fight too hard then I will cause harm and I don't know how justified it is any more. I truly wish I could just leave this world... alas I cannot attempt a second suicide for multiple reasons. I just don't know what to do any more... I'm sick of what I did in the past but don't know what I could accept doing differently. I swear I wish none of this had to happen.

Whatever the case, I am considering to what extent I'm going to keep talking about those things in the future. I'm tempted to stop diving into anything political on those sites any longer. I partly did it because seeing responses, both positive and even negative ones, made me feel better and helped me feel like I was understanding other people somewhat... it's how I remind myself not everyone is truly fanatical and out to get me like I fear. Yet there are people who watch me for other reasons, such as what I create... is it okay for them to have to keep seeing those unrelated posts? I'll be seeing what I will do in regard to this.