This is a followup to my previous journal from last night. Holy shit it was crazy day yesterday! I wanted to start off by mentioning it was a vent journal written under the influence of panic and some degree of stress that bottled up since the Coronavirus story started... not like it was hard to fell from how it was worded. I'm better today and there is a lot I should probably dive into.

For those who didn't read it the TLDR is: There was an anti-lockdown protest in my city, which I decided to attend in the name of defending our freedom from government overreach. We had a good time and I was careful to keep my distance from other people. When I returned home and spoke about it, I was literally bombarded with words of critique from everyone on two fronts: The fact that I dared joining a public gathering while the spooky virus is floating around, and that I dared opposing the government's despotic measures because dictatorship is magically justified when it's for a virus because when there's a spooky invisible killer the basic life rights we've had since the beginning of time (like existing outside of a darn building) can suddenly become crimes overnight cuz "logic" and "science" say so.

The first thing I'm going to say is this: I myself wish I didn't have to go to that protest... it's generally only something I do when I feel the line has been crossed and I've been pushed far enough. People need to understand that my country (Romania) had the most brutal lockdown in all of Europe, with the most tyrannical rules and biggest fines ever given anywhere (despite being a poor country). Elderly people were fined twice their monthly income for simply going outside to buy groceries or vital medicine from the pharmacy. Meanwhile high and mighty politicians openly insulted us all on television, actively treating the population as cattle and themselves as our much-needed masters who need to shepherd us with an unprecedented arrogance. Adding insult to injury, one of the laws during our state of emergency (even if one that hasn't been used yet to my knowledge) goes beyond merely imposing home quarantine for those infected, but allegedly allows authorities to arrest people and their relatives and forcefully lock them up in hospitals for no reason... my mother barely stopped me from buying a gun when I heard of this, fearing I'd have to defend myself from crazy doctors breaking our door down and coming to kidnap us!

That's the first thing driving me toward extreme rebellion: Government has been allowed to run rampant and do things no one imagined it would have the power to do outside of North Korea. The pretext and how legit it is, whether it's a virus or an alien invasion or whatever, barely even matters to me: Even supposing the lockdowns did in fact save lives, it's unthinkable for a government to have this kind of power for any reason! Does anyone even realize or care what they could do with it, let alone the shit people like me had to go through not because of the virus but society's reaction to it? The answer to that unfortunately is no, because 99% of the world is under the influence two factors: Total blind fear of the virus, and total blind trust in the society they're part of... the first being something I only have in a partial and pragmatic way, and the second a luxury I could never afford and likely never will in this lifetime. You see people with the best of intentions giving a damn about your safety, even in presidents and prime ministers who's interest is to get rid of the weak and at most save those who can work and produce wealth for them... I see all-powerful monsters who just got themselves an excuse to consolidate their power like never before, preparing to throw me under the bus for the "greater good" as they did since I was mistakenly born on this world.

This brings me to some more personal things, which unfortunately I can't openly talk about and couldn't for ages. I'll only go as far as saying the following as a premiere: Folks here don't need a degree in psychology to realize that something happened to make me hate and distrust authority to such a formidable extent. Indeed it has... especially very long ago, though recent events over the past years also added salt to existing injuries. People wouldn't understand my reasons or the true motives behind them... I haven't made them obvious or explained them since, waiting silently for over a decade; Last time I had let others know, I wasn't just laughed at but personally blamed for the things done to me by those who did them... it soon became clear I was alone against the world from where I stood. I actually thought I'd just forget and get over it, yet for 15 years things have been piling up to silently create a monster instead. One who's goal has been the collapse of society and the current culture... one silently waiting and working to destroy the old norms and doctrines... one powered by an unstoppable motivation to make the powerful fall on their knees and erase all this world stands for.

Today I find myself greatly conflicted, trapped between good and bad; This distrusting anarchic monster wanting to destroy, against another half wanting to help people and make this world advance for everyone. Years ago I swore to myself that I'd destroy empathy and bring ignorance back to this world... for the world was always safe for me back when people were ignorant and cared about nothing, whereas the hell and torture broke lose once people started caring and morality got out of control making people do irrational things. The moral infestation destroyed even the furry fandom who was once a place for all... corrupted websites like Furaffinity and made them persecute artists in the name of social doctrine. Yet after all the waste I fought to lay upon this society, those who pretended to care for me just to try taking everything from me instead... I feel the darkness and the void, I sense why it is wrong to keep fighting everyone, I want to stop this war before it consumes me and maybe even others; I want to experience this weird magical world you're all living in, where everyone trusts everyone else and everything is what it seems at face value, where there are indeed no conspiracies and people have an idea of the things they're talking about.

Yet I cannot. Especially when all those years later, the world has no idea of the harms it caused at all, but continues doing them to others who are vulnerable, even worse today than they did back then. Those to whom I gave a glimpse of what happened are telling me to let go and stop my blind war against law and authority... yet I can't let go, not when remembering how they invaded my life and seeing how the wrongs of the past weren't even understood in the slightest! I never have and never will expect the planet to form a circle around me, around others who fell victim to the rare cumulus of circumstances that happened to me, saying "we're sorry for not knowing you also existed and are aware we were wrong" in a happy choir: The only thing I expected during all those years was for them to at least stop and leave everyone alone to live their lives in peace! Yet to this day humanity has not: They've only sought even more control over others, out of a fake twisted and misguided "love" toward beings they cannot understand, ruining lives under the lie or delusion that they're improving those lives, then attacking anyone who tried to stop them thinking they're the ones who are there to cause harm.

The way this world has been going and approaching things can no longer work. However... neither can the way I've been approaching them, it too has reached the end of its time. Yet I don't know how to stop... especially not until the wrongs have been mended. Yet how can you mend a wrong when you can't even talk about what happened to you, because the mere act of doing so bothers the doctrine too much to let you even be heard? I'm so sick of it but it's all I know. I'll never understand why the fates wanted me to be so cursed in the most bizarre ways, and play the weirdest roles on the stage that is this world.