And I'm genuinely suicidal right now.

As a relevant metaphor, if you were thrown into the sea without a liferaft, and everyone else around you was taught how to swim, the only choice is to drown, because you were never taught to swim. With a dysfunctional family, you can't survive in society because it was all abuse. When you lose nearly everyone because you weren't raised with etiquette in mind, but rather abuse, each attempt at making things better, only to be met with unconditional failure, means you have no self worth left, and suicide becomes an option. Considering how much I genuinely hate myself, I genuinely don't deserve to live if I have nothing left in this world.