I made it back to fur conventions after 3 years, only to have pain still overwhelm me.

My current closest friend showed up but tried really hard to get me to try to break the generations long cycle of abuse at the con, and ultimately, I just felt worse after the con as a result.

I did suit for the morning though before any people of my past that were partly responsible for bringing upon internal pain showed up. Unfortunately once the suspects showed up, I kept beating myself up, but then my friend tried to break that cycle in the then and now.

The rest of my night went terribly. I was no longer in any mood to suit and the self-pity began fast. My friend tried his best, but this is so deep down he's asking me to deal with the root of my pain and suffering without stopping.

My grandpa dying after VF 2016 sparked the most pain I ever had to endure in my entire life, and nobody outside my circles knows how much that really urks me to know this cycle lead to the most destructive behavior I've ever done which lead to my firings. Those relics were so offended, they won't ever forgive and forget... and that is a fact I proved when they were disgusted to even see me, not even say a simple "Hi" and just be with their "socially appropriate" circles with full time jobs and healthy mental states.

My best friend kept posing the question "When are you gonna stop letting yourself down?" and "When are you going to accept the past and what happened was wrong?"

My response was it was life experience, but his counterargument was instinct is what drives the abuse forwards into the next generation.

I'm really lost, severely depressed, and my original circles disappeared to be with people that had better incomes and mental states as opposed to someone that's unemployed and struggling mentally.

Now you know the context behind this picture: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/33684577/