i never thought i would be so drained or so tired every single day.

i'm sorry i haven't posted a journal here in probably months. i've been focusing on schoolwork, trying to stay healthy, moving into this apartment, and spending face-to-face time with people. in my first quarter, i was deeply disappointed with how little i saw of anybody besides my room mate and classmates in class, i felt isolated and lonely and cold. now, i believe some of the only reasons i'm still here right now are due to seeing those faces every day, talking with friends and being able to at least share meals with them. as much as it makes me anxious and nervous, and as much as i doubt their tolerance of me, those conversations make getting up in the morning worth it.

i haven't been as productive as first quarter. second quarter started to go downhill as my work ethic slumped and i was no longer a shut-in, but it was nothing compared to this quarter. i have never had such a hard time simply completing assignments or doing basic homework than i have now. i don't know if it's because it's the first year, trial by fire, or if circumstances these last two quarters were the driving factors, but it's been a ride...

i have never encountered people or problems like this and i have never encountered brilliance or kindness like this. it's weathered me, and i feel like my heart is made of leather now. i don't know how to feel about it.

this is the last week of my first year in college, how do you feel at a time like this? i'm just grateful for coming out still enrolled and still alive—many people don't and haven't made it this year, over a quarter of my main class dropped out after winder term, and i can't honestly say i blame them.

i don't know how to feel in general right now. i'm going to go take my finals on tues, wed, and thurs then try to relax and celebrate on friday.