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I'm feeling down... [Warning: This is kind of ranty] by TheOtherEliArts2001

So it's happening again. My mood has changed, and it's affecting my health, and my ability to think clearly without having an anxiety attack.

I'm not getting enough sleep. In fact, as I type this, I should be sleeping. It's almost 5:00 AM.

I always wake up very late in the morning, expected to immediately hop downstairs and be ready for my school lessons like I literally didn't just bloody wake up.

I know I can't blame my mother for that. It's not her fault, it's mine. But I can't help it. It's getting worse. My emotional and mental state is fluctuating, I'm feel scared of the world, scared of my future, scared of the passing of time...

My own mind has become a prison cell, I am locked inside, and my thoughts are my tormentors.

You know, typical Gen Z angst. Nothing that someone on the other end of a screen can really do about it, so it's not like I'm really asking for help anyway.

I guess I'm just an attention whore who's so desperate for human contact that I have to post about my mental state online when literally no one asked or cared.

I've tried praying, and I've talked with my family, I've expressed my emotions, but nothing seems to be working. It's like my own mind is trying to attack "me" as in my soul, or my very psyche. Like my thoughts are just demons swarming around and polluting my personality.

Oh, and I've tried taking medication, but I keep forgetting. I am always stressing myself out over trivial things. I can't control it.

I'm scared of things that I can't control. I'm scared of an inevitable fate that I know nothing about. I'm terrified of my future. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being scared, I'm sick of being mentally unstable, and I'm sick of my fluctuating body-clock.

God help me, though I doubt you will. Go ahead and watch if you so want to. I'll just be here and uh... let my own brain bully the heck out of my soul for just... being here. Yeah.

Anyway, if anyone actually read this angsty rant and somehow made it through to the end, you deserve a fricking trophy with a dozen cookies. Seriously.

I'll update if anything new happens. And to the reader, you have a wonderful and nice day.

I'm feeling down... [Warning: This is kind of ranty]


24 July 2019 at 12:57:05 MDT

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    I don't need cookies, but thanks anyway. XD

    Medication won't work if it's not consistent. Do you exercise or meditate? I hear those things can help, too.

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      Unfortunately, I don't really exercise. I'm rather thin in real life, but I'm also pretty out of shape. When I run hard for like 5 minutes, my lungs feel like they are burning from the constant inhaling and exhaling of air. Rushes of cold air can also make my teeth feel as though they are hurting.

      I don't meditate either. I have a very difficult time keeping still. Not to mention, my thoughts have a tendency to go a little "all over the place." It's for that reason that I have trouble focusing during lessons or other things. (My parents suspect that I might have ADHD, but I'm not going to confirm nor deny that possibility unless I am properly diagnosed.)

      I do however listen to music to act out my imagination in my head until I'm bored. Sometimes it inspires my drawings. But usually at night, when I have a desire to relax, I play an ASMR video, or a long Documentary, and listen as I fall asleep.

      Lastly, as for the medication thing, I completely agree with what you said. I would know because I've taken medication on a routinely basis before when I was younger. My mental issues were a lot worse back then. When I got older, I decided that I didn't need to make medication anymore, and wanted to improve my mental state on my own.

      Nowadays it's a lot harder for me to maintain a consistent schedule of taking medication daily, but I do take it sometimes. It usually doesn't help because I end up forgetting to take it the next day. It's ironic how my mind is so obsessed with consistency, yet I'm terrible when it comes to actually being consistent.

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    I wish I could give you a lot of help, but I can only offer minor advice. I’m terrible at staying consistent and sticking to one thing.(If me not using Weasyl in forever doesn’t prove that already.) I’d recommend doing something that can help you vent a bit, like talking to friends or drawing. I’m sorry about your predicament, and I hope it gets better!

    • Link

      Thank you for the encouragement and the advice. I guess I still haven't fully wrapped my head around the fact that I don't always have to be active on social media, or the fact that I'm not the only person in the world who has these problems. Maybe I need a break.

      It's almost like I'm being controlled by the internet, and I've somehow become willingly subservient to it. I know it sounds dramatic, but that's kind of what social media does. When you've got nothing else to do, the internet just sucks you in. And sometimes, it drags you into a metaphorical cesspool of even more depressing emotions. And it causes me to feel jealous of other people's art-skill. But I think the main problem is just me and my insecurities, something that only I can fix.

      Again, thank you for reading this journal, and commenting.

      • Link

        No problem. I get that and it’s okay to not feel okay. Just remember you have friends and other things to confide in! ^^