So it's happening again. My mood has changed, and it's affecting my health, and my ability to think clearly without having an anxiety attack.
I'm not getting enough sleep. In fact, as I type this, I should be sleeping. It's almost 5:00 AM.
I always wake up very late in the morning, expected to immediately hop downstairs and be ready for my school lessons like I literally didn't just bloody wake up.
I know I can't blame my mother for that. It's not her fault, it's mine. But I can't help it. It's getting worse. My emotional and mental state is fluctuating, I'm feel scared of the world, scared of my future, scared of the passing of time...
My own mind has become a prison cell, I am locked inside, and my thoughts are my tormentors.
You know, typical Gen Z angst. Nothing that someone on the other end of a screen can really do about it, so it's not like I'm really asking for help anyway.
I guess I'm just an attention whore who's so desperate for human contact that I have to post about my mental state online when literally no one asked or cared.
I've tried praying, and I've talked with my family, I've expressed my emotions, but nothing seems to be working. It's like my own mind is trying to attack "me" as in my soul, or my very psyche. Like my thoughts are just demons swarming around and polluting my personality.
Oh, and I've tried taking medication, but I keep forgetting. I am always stressing myself out over trivial things. I can't control it.
I'm scared of things that I can't control. I'm scared of an inevitable fate that I know nothing about. I'm terrified of my future. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being scared, I'm sick of being mentally unstable, and I'm sick of my fluctuating body-clock.
God help me, though I doubt you will. Go ahead and watch if you so want to. I'll just be here and uh... let my own brain bully the heck out of my soul for just... being here. Yeah.
Anyway, if anyone actually read this angsty rant and somehow made it through to the end, you deserve a fricking trophy with a dozen cookies. Seriously.
I'll update if anything new happens. And to the reader, you have a wonderful and nice day.
24 July 2019 at 12:57:05 MDT