Birthday by Bartan

...Yeah, we'll get to that. But first, I need to explain a few things. So bear with me, because this is... This is going to be quite the ride.

I have been trying the past year or two to change things in my life. To attempt it make it better, more comfortable to live in. Whether it's opening up to other people about interests or admitting that I admire who they are, what they do, etc. Even more physical/real life changes like exercises, finally getting disability so I can support and treat my sciatica. I've been trying. It's not easy, but I have been trying.

This is just another thing I've attempted, because I don't see birthdays in the same light as you likely do. We'll get to that more in a few minutes, but I need you to see it the way I do before we go further. And in order to do that, you need to know some truths about me, ones that were hidden in other pieces of writing that were almost never read.

I'll start with an obvious one; I didn't grow up wealthy. This isn't uncommon among people, I know, but it is a large factor when it comes to these 'Holidays' of yours. While other families were getting 10+ presents at Christmas or something, we were lucky enough to get 2. To put things in more perspective; in a family of six (2 over-worked parents, and 4 children) I came last. And I don't mean in terms of presents or whatever, I mean that when it came time to afford things that you might consider to be a STANDARD of living: A vehicle of their own, Driver's Ed/Permit/License, Having their Wisdom Teeth Removed before they caused problems. Medication, Your own Cellphone/Smartphone, A Collage/University Savings Plan... I Came Last.

To say those budgets ran dry is an understatement. So when it came time to learn how to drive, we couldn't afford it. When it came time for me to move on out of the house, I wouldn't have any support. When it came time to have my first job, there was little to no work. And that was before this Chronic Fatigue fish [Fish = replacement curseword] set in. Knowing I wasn't going to have a damn chance out there, I decided to give it all up. Sacrifice my health, my education, my future just so my family could SURVIVE.

You might be able to see where this is going; within that list is Holidays as well. Including Birthdays. At the age of 11 or 12, I honestly can't remember anymore at this point it's been too long, I had my last Birthday. Basically my last Easter, Halloween, Christmas that you might even consider mandatory right now. It wasn't even a thing I was asked to do, people just couldn't afford to do it or just forgot about it. Rather than just be disappointed again and again, I just told everyone to act like it no longer existed.

I hid it from the world the best I could, from my friends, peers, and pretty much identity. Unless it was required to be put down, I would just avoid the topic. It came to the point where it felt like I didn't DESERVE such a thing, and that anyone going out of their way to do anything for it just made me drastically uncomfortable. Like standing in a bonfire. To be in the presence of someone's birthday just hurt, for it to be my own... I would often just act so angry or pissed off that people would just leave me alone during the day.

It came common knowledge after a while: "Don't bother Bartan during the middle of March. Don't get him anything, he won't like it. Don't try anything nice, he might see it as an attack." And people, though not quite understanding (who could blame them?), at least respected enough to leave it well enough alone.

There's more to it than this, but I'm attempting to keep this short. And we still have two more points to go through.

...March is a horrible month for me. The birthday thing doesn't help, but March is the month that enjoys tattooing a target sign on my furballs and proceed to test how well it's aim has kept up over the years. Some of the worst things in my life happen in or around March, and these are not easy to swallow when you're trying to keep a positive outlook on life. To keep looking on the bright side when one of your sisters commits suicide days before that Fishing day. When you get an abscess in your cheek and have to deal with some of the worst pain imaginable, because you can't afford to get it checked out. When your hometown completely floods and is nearly destroyed. When your bastard of a father dies, one that you've taken care of for the past fourteen years. And those last three? All In One FISHING MONTH.

Yeah. To say that I Hate March is an understatement. I... 'Mega-Loathe' it, and you can't expect me to be happy or contentful during the worst month of the year. When my beloved winter ends and I'm left with 18 months of summer... But I'm TRYING. Trying to change for the better. Last year wasn't so bad, but it just came later as a break-up.

...Point three. Some of you already know this, but about two years ago I was diagnosed with SPD: Schizoid Personality Disorder. Not to be confused with Schizophrenia, which is more paranoia. The best way I could describe SPD is; I'm not human. Biologically, yes, but mentally... I might as well be from Mars/off-world. Human society and their habits are so over my head that I just don't understand them.

Again, you might see where this is going. I have a hard time 'acting' human. Sure, I can be a decent person to you, that's just being respectful. But to socialize with another person is 10x harder for me to do, to read them is difficult without some sort of help (again; those who know me know who I'm talking about). Actually, a decent way of saying SPD is "Extreme Introversion", or the "Loner Disorder".

It's no surprise that when I see other people get excited about such events or holidays that I just... Can't understand them. I see people going out of their way to do something for someone else and seem... HAPPY about it. Get that Happy reaction, and it's actually Genuine. It's such an alien reaction to me that I can't even fathom it, and it's a prime example of where this disorder hits so damn hard. All I can think is "HOW!?!? How do you...!?" This isn't because the gifts are bad, or that these people don't deserve them- NOTHING like that. Trust me. I just see... These 'Holidays' different. Negative. Hurtful, rather than joyful.

Mix this damn way of thinking with a custom I still don't understand (Birthdays) and the worst month of the year for me, you get one hell of a cocktail. A period of ultra self-loathing, distancing myself away from others, and turtling up without knowing how to "ask for help". It's a swarm of negative emotions from the past that constantly resurface, self bashing, and debating on just removing everyone from my friends list on all platforms. Erase every damn story I wrote because they're nothing more than a waste of people's seconds. Go on an entire media blackout and delete every fishing account I ever had, because "Bartan" doesn't deserve them. He doesn't deserve a birthday, an annual holiday to celebrate what BS he's put up with over the 1 billion seconds he's been alive. He doesn't deserve to be happy.

BUT I AM TRYING TO CHANGE. It's Not Easy For Me, But I've Been TRYING! A few days ago, there was a journal released on FA that publicly announced that damned anniversary of mine, something I didn't post (believe such or not). So I might as well add another change on that list... I've already had the worst Fish-storms in my life behind me, there's not much else March can take away.

However, if you're going to do anything to turn this recurring natural disaster around, please keep in mind a few things:
#1 - No surprises. I don't find them grand or magical, and one of the Worst things you can do to me in this 31 day window is just ASSUME what I'm going to like. I will surprise you. That doesn't mean that you can't save it's progress until the day of Reckoning, just consult me about it first. What you see as likely a tradition, I see as disrespectful.
#2 - Expect a Struggle. You need to understand that I'm programed to feel like I don't deserve anything for this day, and would much rather have it forgotten than even mentioned. I will get uncomfortable, I will sometimes even try to change the subject. However, if this happens, I want you to say: "Bartan. Take your chocolate and go back to Australia." I will at least know that you've read this god damn mess and at least somewhat understand.
#3 - Dates/Traditions Don't Mean Anything to Me. You want to send it a day earlier, whatever. Three weeks late? Whatever. I'm not picky about this jazz, take as long as you want. Because if you're losing sleep/wasting your time over this, then I'm just going to feel even worse about myself. Then cue more self-castigation.

Deep Breaths I'm a crappy human being, I know that. At least now I have a reason why I've always felt more attuned to those non-human, let alone grew up to be a misanthrope. I know I haven't gotten a lot of progress done on my writings lately, but I can't promise you that I'll get something during this hell. If I disappear for a while, am not seen for quite some time, or don't respond to you/your messages... It just means the month got the better of me (again) and I'm just attempting to cope. But I'm Trying To Change...

March 16th. Do Your Fucking Worst, You Fucking Month. Every Scar Will Build My Throne.

Your Bear,
~Bartan

Birthday

Bartan

18 February 2019 at 10:56:39 MST

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  • Link

    Another case for me from the person who lived the worst in his life..........I don't have any words of how to describe it, I'll have to be paying more attention from here on out.

    Take care of yourself, and I hope in the future you can change for the better.

    • Link

      <3
      I know everyone has their own pains/baggage and all. A lot even have it worse than I do. This month just tends to get the better of me, more often than not

      • Link

        I believe it or not, consider April to be the worst month for me. It reminds me of all the shit I did to people around April. Only one incident in March I had with an artist, and I ended up in detention in high school based off of the block from the artist I viewed of her Yveltal artwork.

        March is the worst for you, April is the worst for me.

        Funny how you are......I'm not gonna say it. I don't want to make you feel worse than you should.

        • Link

          Yeah, I suspect we all have our own months where life just likes to kick us while we're down. Good luck to you when April comes around mate <3 And thanks for reading my side of things. It doesn't sound like much, but it does help

          • Link

            Yeah, I should have read your books when I got the chance to....For some reason I only look at inflation art and not the actual stories or other stories you've written, so it makes me feel guilty as if I'm not there when you post something. But from here on out I'll take a look at your stories and comment based on what I got out of it.

            Thank you, it doesn't bother me that much as it use to back in 2017 and 2018. And, your welcome, always a pleasure to see what content you put out on Weasyl. I also like to ask if I ever make my own film studio, would I be able to have permission to adapt your stories into short films or a movie? Just to ask.

            • Link

              I hear you, but reading is just naturally unappealing compared to other medias out there. Especially visual ones (be it single pictures, comics, or small animations. To really large ones). However, it's also a lot slower and easier to become more invested in, spreading out the pleasure of the idea over time, from my experience. Both writing and reading.

              I haven't done too many clean inflation bits, let alone any blueberry ones (yet), but if you're looking to try a very short one... Try "On The Wing":
              https://www.weasyl.com/~bartan/submissions/1662420/on-the-wing
              It's not too long, no sex related stuff, and no popping. You'll likely not quite know where the characters come from, or their relationship specifically (that's quite the... Task. Written already, yes, but a very long story for each of them. However, I could always lead you to where they started if you're interested in such). Just one little note to save you some confusion on this part: Dia, one of the dragons, tends to change color with his moods. So if you see anything that's not "Brass/Metallic", then it's him. I don't have a color "wheel" on Weasyl, but I do have (a clean) one over on FA:
              https://www.furaffinity.net/view/18201649/

              As for permission, as long as I get some proper credit (as expected) I don't mind. Though, it might be difficult, whereas I don't tend to write about humans (if you're going for live action, that is). Just let me know if you need anything else/have any other questions.

              • Link

                But that's when I take the time to read a very long story. If it's a story I really like but it's short, it makes me wonder what happens next and then you get the comments of "Make more ______!!!" that use to drive artists insane and leave their account abandoned altogether.

                I personally Bartan am more into Mature content these days than I use to. In fact, I use to masturbate to vore and clean inflation when I was younger. But once I saw naked blueberry inflation artwork and literature, I was dead set on going for mature content instead of family-friendly inflation. That's just how much I've changed over the years. Popping I don't mind, sex related content I like (but not the "over-the-top" type of sexual content) and I am interested into seeing where the characters started from.

                I can take care of the human parts in terms of live-action. But thank you man, I will definitely credit you in the credits for each film based off of your story. Transformation sadly hasn't come into mainstream though and, like many others, would like to see it happen in the near future. I'll definitely come back to you if I have any questions needed to ask.

                • Link

                  Eh, the only comments I've ever gotten with that is from my AWSW series. Mostly "Make one with ____! S/he's my favorite!" Believe me when I say that I'm LUCKY enough to get One comment across 5 sites that has anything on it, per submission. The pestering to make more can get annoying, yes, but the neglection of being unheard from something you spent sometimes Months on is just as bad. If not worse.

                  Adult stuff? Honestly, me too over the years. I never liked it until I hit about... 23 or so? Even then, I hid it until just a few years back. Even though my first novel did have sexual content in it (very minor inflation), I tried to make it as tasteful/romantic as possible. That was the challenge I set for myself when I started writing: "Can something actually have adult content and still keep that romance through the entire thing?" I like to think I succeeded.

                  But anyway, I've started putting up very easy thumbnails about a year or so ago containing a lot of the important tags. Inflation is a common theme in them (not in every piece, but a very large portion), and I made it a point to make that tag to be larger than others if the story heavily involves it. As for adult: just check the bottom right of each submission. If there's this red right angle, then it's rated mature. If you're in the mood to try something, just browse through the tags and pick out something that pops out.