Mistrust is still something that haunts me from my past, and I still think nobody trusts me, because my behavior after all these years is still "not fixed." It really is hopeless to expect kind social interaction, cause you never know if someone is going to backstab you cause you don't "act normal" or "you're extremely socially inappropriate" which just always leads to distrust.

I don't try to be social again because of this. The risk is way too high to return to a social life, then to have "the way you are" interpreted as malice, then rumors spread to make a "keep out" zone surrounding you through pure gossip. You can't reach out that you've been hurt by this because "You're socially inappropriate" when you reach out for empathy.

Now you know why I'm so suicidal. The fact my thoughts related to depression are validated by "real life expectations" and abuse from my parents means I can't just discount my thoughts as "just thoughts". As I become more hopeless, the expectation I will be fixed in time by a "professional" to reintegrate society slips away day after day. Making me seriously consider a plan for suicide.