as part of my current resurrection, i want to make it publicly known that i am sorry

i am sorry for being gossipy and snarky
i am sorry for being aggressive and defensive towards others
i am sorry for poking fun at others

in my heart i wanted to believe i was being a loving, caring and upstanding person, but i wasn't.

i was scared, i was fighting, i was taking my own insecurities and anger out on others.

i'm sorry if i was rude to you
i'm sorry if i was short or less than kind

i don't want to make excuses for my behavior

i want to put the past behind me, but i also want to work through it
it hangs around me like a heavy stone, but i think i am breaking the links to the chain one by one every day in this healing forest i reside in now

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if context is a thing you are curious about, here are some of the story notes of my life since ~2006:

i was in a bad marriage before joining the fandom
i was saved from that bad marriage by another person
we got married
2009 i moved cross country with him, i started over as sigil

i tried to help him, but they had complex ptsd and refused treatment.
i ended up with complex ptsd
i was in a bad marriage again
i tried to be as aggressive as he was, otherwise i was too emotional
i went to so many cons and met so many wonderful people
i came out as trans and nonbinary
i had a string of breakups as i attempted to be poly
2013 i moved back to the west coast.

everything had changed
we fought so much
he threatened my friends
he had so many guns
we had a bad divorce where i was afraid of being murdered
2014 i moved to seattle, hoping to start over, but failed

furoticon sunsetted and i lost a job.
i got a new job where my friend was now my boss
i was underpaid, overworked, and talked down to daily by my friendboss
i had a falling out with folks who i thought were my closest friends
i still don't know who i can trust
i quit the bad job
i stopped going to cons out of fear of seeing people who don't want to see me
i started a new relationship with my amazing partner Juniper
i worked through tendonitis and carpal tunnel to pay rent
i got a new job
i made strides in my industry
i closed myself off
i stopped talking to anyone involved with anyone i felt hurt by
2018 Juniper and i moved out to the olympic peninsula

im beginning to heal

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i dont want to be angry anymore, even at people i feel have tried to hurt me or those i love
i dont want to be afraid of people anymore
i want to believe we all grow and change
i am going to try and not hold a grudge
i am going to try and be kind, as kind as the people who have stuck with me
i haven't been myself for so long, i don't know if i ever have been

i have been what other people needed me to be, and i needed them to take care of me
i dont need that anymore...i hope

i want to make beautiful things and share them with all of you
i want to be inspired and meet people again
i want to talk to people again
i want people, when they see my name, to think of good things
i want to be known as someone good for others, that make them feel more like their true selves

the things i've done in the fandom that have made people feel more comfortable in their own skin, that's what i want to do
i love working with my trans siblings to make them feel outside how they do inside
i love working with my fellow fats to have them feel attractive and normal
i want to figure out what im doing, and be authentic about it

i feel like ive just been coasting along, and it's been so sad
ive been so sad
i spent many years deciding if i was going to keep living
i've decided i want to keep living

i'm taking a chance by being vulnerable, and it excites me
could i take off the mask, even a little?
can i be more than a brand that helped sustain me when i was nearly homeless, over and over again?
will people still give a shit about me without that fake face?

i want to thank Stigmata for all the work he has done in talking about vulnerability and the strength and joy that comes from it. i am so blessed to be considered a friend.

thank you for sticking with me, for being around. it's been over 10 years. i can't believe it. i've changed so much, you all have changed so much.

thank you for supporting me in my journey.

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TL;DR - i was a big bitch for a long time because i was scared and hurting. i'm sorry. i will do better. it's good to meet you again.