A lot has happened to me lately.

2 weeks ago, after applying to many different places, I managed to land a job at a local Walmart. I was hired to do early morning stocking, taking the merchandise out from the backroom and placing it on the shelves. I was very excited to finally have a paycheck and consistent income, and I was eager to get started.

The orientation went smoothly with no problems. The next day was testing, and I did very well on that too, even finished early! But finishing early meant I still had to fill in the rest of my shift, so I had to go do something. They put me to work by having me organize some shelves, make sure merchandise was in the right place. They sent me off, and I got to work.

I then had a severe panic attack.

As I walked through the isles and did my job, I had a horrible anxiety attack, sending me into a state of pure panic. I had to get out, I had to leave, I didn't feel safe. I was having a horrible fight or flight response and left the second my shift was over. When I got home, I broke down. I live with my father, and as I explained what had happened to him, I just utterly broke down. I cried really hard, and felt just so horrible. The rest of that night, I was a mess. I could barely do much other than just lay down curled up in a ball. It was the worst night I had ever had. I've dealt with depression before, but nothing like this. This was deeper a dive then I thought was possible.

But somehow, I pulled myself together, and said "that wasn't even your first real day, you can do this, just go work your actual job on your actual shift, and it'll be fine."

So I did.

It was not fine.

This time, my panic attack started earlier, meaning it had time to grow into the worst one I'd ever had in my entire life. When I have my panic attacks, they're silent. They happen internally. I look normal, and act normal outside, but inside I'm screaming, feeling stress like no other, and desperately looking for a way out. I was quietly doing my job, guided along by a fellow employee as my heart pounded in my chest. I felt nauseous, my hands were shaking, and my breath was quickened. I felt like I was dying. It was the worst thing I've ever felt in my life. I had to get out, I had to make this feeling stop. I managed to make it 4 hours into my shift to lunch break, where I immediately bailed as fast as I could. I drove home. I didn't go back.

I realized at this point that I had a severe problem. Something was terribly wrong. I've experienced anxiety before, but NEVER anything this severe. This wasn't normal. I know what it feels like to be somewhere like school and want to go home, but this isn't that feeling. I know what it's like to feel anxiety over something, make it so much worse in my head, then go do it and have it be fine, but this wasn't that either. I've never worked before, so I had no idea that this was how my body reacts to it. I realized I had an anxiety problem, possibly even a disorder, and contacted my work right away.

I had to quit. I couldn't work like this, it was endangering me, and was going to negatively effect my co-workers and the customers. I called in and talked to my manager, and thankfully, everyone there was SUPER understanding and even offered me to come back once I got everything fixed. They understood and I am so thankful for that.

So... yeah.... I'm jobless again... and... I know I should be sad about this, but.... I'm not.

I'm weirdly happy.

Cause I know now for a fact that I have a problem.

And it can be fixed.

I started seeing a counselor/psychiatrist to help me with my anxiety and depression. I'm finally pursuing professional help. I'm on the road to recovery. Hopefully someday I'll feel comfortable to go back to work, if that is what I decide to do.

This whole situation has allowed me to think a lot about my life and my decisions. The break I've been taking while pursuing this job, has given me the time I need to look back over what I've been doing the last 4-5 years. I have been mismanaging myself and my art business quite horribly. I've not done any of the goals I wanted to do, such as finishing my game, or even smaller things like finally making a comic pricesheet. I've been doing this wrong, and I feel that my failures here are hugely responsible for how I've ended up in this situation. I've learned through all this that I can fix my problems, even the huge ones, so I'm going to be fixing this too. This will be a new chapter in my life.

In the upcoming weeks/months, I will be completely retooling my art business and how I handle myself here online. I never want to be this burned out again. I want to love drawing and creating, so I'm reworking how I do things to make sure this is possible. I will be doing a lot of things I should've done ages ago, and I hope it will make my content as a whole a lot better. I'll have more details on this in a future journal once I work everything out, but If you have any questions feel free to ask them. I will answer the best I can.

Thank you all so very very much for your love and support during all of this. You have all been so amazing, and I simply wouldn't be here without you all. Thank you for your patience with me while I figure all this stuff out.

If you want live updates, the best place to go is my twitter: https://twitter.com/PieMan24601

I also do gaming streams every weekend at https://www.twitch.tv/pieman24601