Stream completed, but I lost another idol to my illness. by FurryJackman

I managed to stream a total of 38 hours out of the 48 I set to have total over the weekend, but at the end of the weekend, one of my idols, ThaRixer, a Ratchet and Clank Speedrunner that tries his best to work through his own trouble and to provide kind words, banned me from his Discord and stream simply for "not willing to change."

If this is how you're going to write someone off just cause my burden is too much, and to even have the audacity to think that trying in your best efforts to help me and failing was stopping your own personal growth as a speedrunner and a streamer? If you choose to not understand, you will be as cold as the rest of the world.

Worst part is, he saved a girl's life from jumping from a pedestrian overpass just as I started to follow his stuff. I looked up to that for guidance, but they hated my burden the more time dragged on that my official supports kept being a waiting game. Mob mentality meant his moderators ganged up on me to paint me as "stubborn and unchangeable." and as that image grew within their community, it made their ban completely just due to the fact my illness was still not fixed.

This is why I don't want to go back to social meets cause this will keep happening. I need to isolate myself from the world and enter a bubble where nothing can hurt me, cause the world is so cold and uncaring.

After this, I'm going to stop involving myself and actively participating in communities, cause I am fully a burden to the world.

Stream completed, but I lost another idol to my illness.


13 March 2018 at 03:01:01 MDT

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  • Link

    I would argue that isolation is exactly what you do NOT need. Because like anyone else, you are never truly alone. With no one else around, the only ones left to keep you company are the voices in your own mind, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you what malicious bastards they can be. Granted, there are few things worse than having a real person "confirm" what those voices are saying, as you are well aware. But, the voices don't ever contradict themselves, do they? Other people, however, just might.

    While you don't want to hear this, I'm sure, there IS a grain of truth in how they described your status. I've been trying to stay in contact and keeping an eye on what you post for a while now and to be honest, I feel there is a certain part of you, deep down in your subconscious perhaps, that....well I won't necessarily say "enjoys" being broken but clearly finds some comfort in the familiarity of it. You have allowed yourself to become wrapped up in your affliction. You define yourself by it. You identify yourself through it. It's all about perspective. You and your affliction are separate entities but I'm not sure that you see that. You don't see yourself apart from your affliction and you don't see your affliction as anything other than an inescapable part of yourself. It's not.

    I guess the best analogy I can come up with off the cuff is the difference between "I have a bit of excess weight," and "I am fat." One acknowledges a problem as a separate issue they face, while the other identifies themselves as inseparable from the problem. In that sense you become "unchangeable" simply because you, in your own mind, will not allow yourself to see your affliction as something that CAN change. Put simply, you do not allow yourself any hope. There IS hope, things CAN change, you CAN overcome this affliction. But the first step to doing that is realizing that it CAN be done, and I'm not sure you've allowed yourself to consider that possibility.

    And in a way, I get it. It's easier. I know, that sounds crazy. "Nothing about this is easy" you're probably saying right now. Didn't say it was "easy." I said it was "easier." It's easier to face uncomfortable situations when you can blame it on the affliction. There's no accountability. You don't even have to try to make things work because when it all falls apart you can fall back on that safety net and say "it's all my disease's fault." And I feel like you're scared, terrified even, of what might happen if you did kick this condition and a social situation still didn't go the way you hoped. Couldn't blame the disease anymore. can't play the victim card anymore.

    Now, please understand that I'm not saying that's how you look at it. I am not saying you consciously go into social situations with the thought of "if they don't like me or if I blow it and piss them off, I can just blame it on my condition." But on a subconscious level you are still clinging to that safety net. If things get to hard you fall back on that rather than trying harder. Being social isn't easy for a lot of people, even without diseases, afflictions, or conditions holding them back. Some people simply are not the social type. Doesn't mean they don't enjoy social gatherings, it just doesn't come easy to them. The disease becomes a crutch you lean on. And you need to let that go.

    You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

    You need to stop finding your identity in "being a burden."

    Stop the pity party.

    I'm telling you this as someone who WANTS to see you improve, who WANTS to see you get better, who WANTS to see this burden lifted from you. YOU have to do something about it. Nobody else can do it for you. Nobody else can wave a magic wand and make it go away. You have to be willing and committed to taking the steps necessary to breaking free. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, it will be scary. Yes, it will be unfamiliar. It will challenge you. It will hurt. It will be confusing. But that's exactly why you need to do it. All those obstacles are keeping you locked in this frame of mind you're in right now, because where you're at may not be good, but it's still comfortable in its familiarity. It's like being in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. Been beaten down and broken so many times you start to think this is the best you're meant for, that you're nothing without your abuser, that it's all your fault and should count yourself lucky they're even there at all. Convinced you can't have anything else, much less anything better, so you cling to the abuse. Change is scary. Get over it and make the change happen anyway.

    • Link

      They apparently told me this multiple times using hostile sarcasm hoping I'd get it. Well, I didn't cause it flew right over my head due to how goddamn depressed I am.

      Think about my daily abuse for a minute. It tries to make me conformist and complacent by constant threats and being told my place in others' universes and how there is no other choice because you better do what we damn please, or else.

      I currently know no better, and it truly is time for qualified help to help me repair the psychological damage.

      • Link

        Well then, if it is the time for qualified help then GET qualified help. Isolating and wallowing in it isn't going to do you a damn bit of good. So consider this me lighting a fire under your ass. GET HELP. Nobody is going to do it for you. Nobody CAN do it for you. Quit talking about doing it and DO it.

        • Link

          That's $100 a month for 2 sessions. The guy in question basically didn't want to get qualified help because it was $90 a session. I explained to him that was the only way he would get better but he ignored it and his friends blamed me for forcing it on his ass. I have no friends, so I have no defense. I'm a loser as a result.

        • Link

          I'm going to lose everyone that supported me. It's inevitable. I am a terrible person and the sheer fact I'm speaking out is enough to piss everyone off. This is further proof I shouldn't keep living.

          • Link

            Again, you are NOT a terrible person. Cut this "nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms" pity-party bullshit. Just knock that right the fuck off. That isn't going to help you get better. That's not going to resolve your issues. You're not going to cure yourself by berating yourself over this. Stop bitching about what's wrong and take steps to fix it. Professional help costs a hundred bucks a month? Then you get your ass moving and find a way to get that hundred bucks a month. Stop making excuses. Suicidal thoughts are not the answer. All this "the world would be better off without me in it" bullshit is not the answer. You know who the world would have been better off without? Adolph Hitler. And you know what? That fucker kept right on living. Are you as horrendous a human being as the guy whose ideology literally lead to he deaths of millions? No. So get the fuck off that.

            You told this guy what I've been telling you, exactly what he needed to hear; and he blew you off and set his friends on you. This yields two conclusions. First, you need to take your own damn advice and GET HELP. Show him that it works. And even if he doesn't notice, do it anyway, because it's not about him or anyone else anymore, it's about YOUR health and well-being. And second: his "friends" are shitty people who, in their ignorance, THOUGHT they were being more helpful by enabling this guy's illness instead of joining you in pushing for him to get help. So. GET HELP. And learn to let go of what brainless, ignorant fucktards say to you. He needs help. YOU need help. So GET help. If you don't think you can help yourself, pull yourself up by the metaphorical bootstraps, then seek out professional help. It's that simple.

            Ships are not sunk by the water around them. They are sunk by the water that gets inside them. If you can't plug the holes and bail yourself out on your own then the RIGHT choice is to get help from someone who CAN. Suicide is not the right choice. Suicide is NEVER the right choice. Stop saying the world would be better off without you. Stop saying that you're better off not existing. Stop feeding those lies. Stop buying into that self-destructive bullshit. You are meant for bigger and better things than this. I believe that. I believe in you. So try something new. Try believing in you, too. Try believing that you are worth fixing. Try believing that you are NOT beyond salvaging. I'm a Steampunk and found-object enthusiast, I've seen people make amazing, incredible, breathtaking creations out of the so-called "worthless garbage" somebody else threw away. You are not useless. You are not worthless. Your life is neither meaningless nor without purpose.

            • Link

              I'm certain the next thing I say won't please you so I won't say it. You've left me choiceless, cause this is mandatory. There goes what little I have of my disability check then.

              • Link

                Ask yourself a simple question: if it gets you better, isn't it worth the price? After all, having that money didn't make you feel any better. If counseling helps you break those shackles, I'd wager it's well worth the financial cost.