OK, these last 3 days and nights have been quite a mental stress, and finally blew a gasket couple hours earlier (around 11:30pm) after playing a game Night in The Woods. What the main character you play is feeling and talks about near the very end is what hit home incredibly deep with me. It triggered me into mods I was feeling, but a dozen times or more powerful and all at once. Lots of self bashing, lost direction(s) in goals and life, name it I was feeling it and hating myself or it. I do often get such thoughts or moods but not to where its owning everything I need to or want to do.

I used to be someone that was deemed as (mostly) stable, on a good path in life, good job, good friends, loving family.... I cant feel that right now, and I don't know why. Its more than just depression just being depression, and its just not something I understand or know what the source is. So think it is time I go see a psychologist or therapist along with seeing my main doctor some more and see what the professionals can do to help me being functional in society, be someone work needs me to be, what I want to be (whatever it is I cant tell anymore). Not something I can sort out myself even with the anti-depression meds that have helped me a lot in other ways. I at least have a handful less foggy cloudy “?” Marks on why I feel or do what I do.

But I need more help than just pills. And my pride just has to suck it up and accept more help from the professionals on this issue. Its either I do that or I snap horribly. And I rather not do so when just shy of being 40. single, family still having to always help me out, no real direction on what to do in life besides do a job and pay a bill. My drive and care for a lot of things has just fizzled out and it bugs me cause I want it back. But need the pros to hep me find why its all weak and out of whack. So just bare with me folks on this. I just jope work can bare with me on this. If not I cant blame them for how much they have helped me/i owe them as is on things. I'm not doing anything like harming/ending myself. But I can tell if I don't see the pros soon to sort out the root of this it will be harder to guarantee it.

I am going camping this weekend. Hopefully I am less unstable by then. Expecting some abrupt shifts to go on in life. for better or for worse.