Another year has come to an end and I saw a that :linkty_desoto: made kind of like a Year in Review journal and made special mentions to people who impacted his life and I was really inspired to do the same thing!
This time last year I wrote a Happy New Year 2016 Journal: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7282733/
I was excited for the year and everything was going to be great! Though for some reason I went downhill really hard, really fast. By January 8th, I was having a really hard time accepting who I’ve turned out to be. Struggling with my real and fantasy lives, my sexual attractions verses my desires to get married and have a family one day. http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7298765/
I still struggle with it, but it’s less of a crippling pain now. I am living each day as it goes by really. Outside of who already knows that I am “struggling” I’m still not telling anyone else in my real life what I like, because it’s really none of their business. I also don’t really like to mention it at all, maybe out of some desire if I don’t talk about the problem it will go away.
Then I started to cheer myself up, along with the support of my incredible friends. I began to read more and understand my moods and how to squash a depressive state of mind. I posted an article I read, 30 Ways to be Happier http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7331441/ and just started to think and do those things. I was feeling good about my existence again, not letting the trivial things bother me.
I did have highs and lows all year of course, I had epic dreams about Dragons, I had several bad job interviews, and took bit work where I could find it. Volunteered a lot of time, out of my own wallet to things I was passionate about, both to help the cause and selfishly hoping someone in power noticed me and had me stay on to do more work and be paid. End of the day I am reminded that I'm just a piece in a game for all the higher-ups and my efforts put money in their pockets. Working class, low-income, unemployed. We are the base that North America runs on. It was a silly hope, but I went for it every time I got a shift or was asked if I was interested in coming out to help again. I learned to not have high expectations, so that if nothing happened I wouldn’t have set myself up for disappointment. Then if surprises ever came along they would be all the more exciting.
As the beginning of 2016 went on, I made journals about Presence, the clutter of my life, and my desire to be more grateful, because I felt like I was not enjoying all of the things I did have. Someone always has it worse than me, so why am I complaining? Yet when someone needs to vent, its apparently healthy and cathartic, or can be viewed as whiny and attention-seeking. There is such a clash and double-standard in that area. Depending on how someone else feels will determine how they react to what you are expressing. A literal grab-bag of reaction and the possibility of sympathy or scorn.
Those events may have been the reason I wrote this journal about how you are important and matter and are cared about: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7416646/.
My birthday came around, March 4, and I had bought myself a present with my Dino Grim, and we enjoyed that together. Also Zootopia had come out and the fandom was exploding with joy and pervish lusting. It took me three Tuesdays to finally be able to see it because every show was always sold out, even the 3D ones. Finally saw it, enjoyed it, and that was that. I wrote two reviews a non-spoiler: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7463351/ and a regular spoiler: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7463347/ . I’ve got no desire to get naughty with any of the characters, but I do agree that Chief Bogo and those Dancing Tigers got me feeling hot and bothered. Vore with them is…desirable.
On with the year, I began to feel inadequate again talking with people I looked up to and worrying if I was more of a pest than a fan. I started to feel ashamed of wanting to talk with mated people because I was afraid that individuals would be mad at me for talking to their mates. I was scared and alone again, feeling surrounded by the dark, which I also discovered this year, I am really afraid of. It was a brief period of uncertainty. I purged my Skype of baggage and people I didn’t really talk with, it helped a bit. That was the first time I ever cleaned out my Skype. I just don’t like to disappoint people, and then I get so overwhelmed at the idea of failing that I crumble and fall apart in my heart and spirit. I was an unconfident lump – to which I wrote a journal titled that, but don’t see the need to link you to. If you're that curious feel free to find it.
Something that blew my mind in 2016 was learning that the number of favorites that are in the top right corner of your Furaffinity profile page are in fact the number of favorites all your own posted artwork has, not the number of favorites you have in your favorites gallery!
Then I got a nice big job that would keep me busy for two and a half weeks! I made money!!! I felt so alive despite the brutal transit to and from work and the egregiously long hours. When I look back on it, I was sadly and sorely underpaid, which was super depressing to learn and reflect on the heart and soul I put into that job and damn, I was actually once again used. I'm still happy and grateful I had the opportunity though because I did meet and make lots of good friends.
The FA changed their Icon limit and I had to scale back on who I had featured on my profile. It killed me to cut out so many, but lead me to make a rough directory by species and artists I liked so I could quickly access their pages.
My Ipad broke this year and that was a blow because I could not afford to get a new one. But the biggest blow was learning I wasn’t needed to go to France this year, and I was crushed because it’s the only vacation I really get and I was so excited to go.
Then FA had its huge attack, and I was worried for a while if I’d get it back. All the password resets and the drama of it all, the huge exodus and literally everything about FA changed. It felt lost and new. Just when I was feeling like I could make something of myself there, everyone was leaving. But I am staying loyal to that site forever.
Then I had a nice change of events and some good things were happening! I had the opportunity to travel somewhere else instead and I went to Madrid, Spain for the first time!
I reached 1000 watchers in 2016, after being in the fandom since 2009, it was a big achievement for me!
I came back from my trip alive and on fire, then slowly tried to integrate myself back into FA. It felt like people had moved on without me and I had to catch up or be left in the dust. I did have a date though, but it was terrible and that’s when I again hit a low point. Being unhappy with how I looked, how I spoke, how I tried to convince people to like me. It was my “white crayon moment”.
I reached out to my watchers; I wanted to know what they wanted to see. How could I be better? How could I make something of myself? How could I be important and desirable? I talked about how I am intimidated by Artists http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7811583/ and again, inadequacy, worthiness, fear and anxiety.
So I went to see Pete’s Dragon and was rejuvenated with love of Dragons and Monsters and all things magical, fantastical and guardians. I suddenly became very, very self-accepting. Meeting people who were afraid to talk to me, and being open and generous with them. I offered them advice and as I was writing it out being totally surprised by what I was saying. I condensed the good meaty part of my advice here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7831109/
Then I got to go to Cuba with a friend and his family, and that was much enjoyed vacation I would have otherwise never had. While there we survived a possible Hurricane Attack, what a rush!
I came back home and expressed how much I care about everyone: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7869568/ and how much I freaking love Dragons http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7882423/
Then I talked about how not everyone I meet I have the desire to chat with, its common and normal, but I’ve been on the receiving end of someone who had no desire to talk with me and just wanted me to go away but didn’t actually say it. It feels like to someone ignoring you, that eventually you will just go away and get the message. It be so much nicer if a person was honest and just said they didn’t want to chat. http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7891586/ http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7930422/
I also wrote about the 5 Love Languages and what core things make people feel like they matter to someone: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7891588/ I touched upon leaving comments for people to read on their submissions and journals http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7956092/
One of the biggest things I did in 2016 that was out of my usual life was go to my first ever Con in real life! I went to MFF 2016 in Rosemont and I got to meet a lot of friends in real life for the first time too, and that was kind of awesome. I wrote nice big journal about that too: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7962656/
When I got back home I reflected on myself and some of my characters, how I need to give them some more life and love. http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7963053/ Then I had a whim idea which turned out to me my most successful journal of the year I think, asking all my friends to let me here them roar!!! http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7974714/ It was such fun and I was so honored to have had such a reaction and fun time with it. I love all you guys!
Right near the end of the year while I was making Christmas Presents I got into a controversy. I used a picture as a reference and I heavily derived from it. I asked the artist of the picture if I could post it and emailed them a copy, they liked it and approved my posting of this picture, even said thank you for asking first. The problem was, out of a kind gesture I also asked the commissioner of the artwork who’s character I replaced in my drawing with the friend I was giving this too. They were not too happy I used this picture and didn’t want me to post it. They claimed I traced the image. Granted I did heavily rely on certain lines and shapes of the pose, so I can see how it looks that way.
I tried to debate my case with this commissioner, who would not budge on the issue. They said if I re-drew the image in my own hand then it would be fine. So I relented, I said I wouldn’t post the picture.
I still gave the picture to my friend anyway, who happens to also be an artist and heavily advocated for me to post the picture in the facts that I have the artist’s permission to post it, and the artist is the one who owns the copyright of the original picture. The commissioner has absolutely no say. I technically didn’t need to ask them at all, I didn’t draw or copy their character in any way. There is a fine line between who owns what in an image and this was sticky gray area.
In the end I have adjusted and redrawn sections of the image, to make it less of a copy and more a reference as is allowed in any artistic situation. My friend helped guide me with suggestions on edits and how to make it more acceptable. So in the future I will post this new image and remind all that I have the artist’s permission to post it and that it is now a derivative of their work, and not a blatant copy. As the ordeal was going on I wrote a journal explaining my views on copyright, I am not sure if I am correct or wrong about what I have written so if I am in need of informing, please let me know. http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7979622/
I ended the year on a more positive note, I am considering going back to school within the next few years. http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7983118/ and I had a good Christmas and time with family.
I finished 2016 off with a journal about how it is intimidating to ask artists for trades, especially if their skills are better than yours, but not to be discouraged. http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7999147/
So that’s my year in review with a heck tone of journal links if you are interested in reading more about my time in 2016. I shall write a separate journal making special mentions to those who made my year so great.