I've really invested myself in a lot of epic people on FA, and holy shoot have I bonded with some of you.

The problem is, I don't get to see everyone everyday and keep up to date with you all. And that is killing me. I've been consumed with wanting to know people and be friends with people. I've reached a point where I am actually feeling regret and heartache because I can't physically talk to all of the people I want to talk to, and then there are the people who want to talk with me!!! When we both want to see each other it helps because its a mutual want(need) and it isn't that I don't want to talk to people, I do!!! I am just struggling with the truth of it, I cant be there for everyone and I am letting myself down. I feel like I'd die trying. I even get that feeling upon first site of some characters and users, where I would really like to invest more in learning about them because I like them and their characters and initial fan art ideas begin bubbling. Its all overactive hyper-eagerness and fantasy. (most common with reptiles and canines, but its happened with other species too)

There are some people who I do get to see nearly every day and I am so grateful, and then others who no matter how much time goes by still loves to chat and see me whenever we both can. This is mainly due to time differences with many of my Europe/Australia Friends.

But there are a lot of people who I care about I swear and we just lose touch or don't talk for weeks or months and its hard!! I feel like I'm missing out on so much quality time, especially when two friends are also friends with each other. That is both beyond fantastic and a hard thing to accept that sometimes you (as in everyone) will sometimes not be included in conversations and hangouts because everyone likes to have one on one time, and its normal and okay, just hard, especially if you are feeling lonely and want nothing more than to be surrounded and squeezed by a bunch of friends.

I wish when I was on Skype and Telegram and FA that time would slow down so I could invest in our relationships and be the friend I want to be. I want to bond with so many of you guys, and draw art together and roleplay and just talk as casual close friends, I do that with several of you already and it gives me great joy! Is it greedy to want more? To be interested in your life and share mine?

Obviously it also has to come with knowing you for a good long time, I've known my best friends for over 6 years, though some it only took a good year of constant chatting that really cemented a forever place in my heart because holy shoot if they weren't in my life I would be devastated.

Mind you that investing in someone works both ways, I have to devote my time to you and you have to do it back if you are interested in being in a close friendship, that goes for any kind of relationship. Its exciting and thrilling when someone I haven't seen in a while pops up on my Skype feed again. That also gives me great joy. Rekindling friendly encounters.

And then there are some people who I just don't seem to connect with. I've tried and t just feels off, I've been an asshat in the past, been called out on that too, done a lot of revaluating my behavior and made many apologies. There are I'm sure more to be made. I'm not perfect and I know no one expects that of me, I don't expect if of myself.

Summary: I wish I could be there for everyone and be better at being a good friend to more of you. Knowing I cant and feeling the stress and pain it causes in my heart and soul is not healthy and while I'm not abandoning anyone, or stopping myself from making new connections, I have been made aware of the immense challenges and feelings it gives me when I try to manage being in a billion places at once.