This is journal about my mental health, so if you're uncomfortable reading about such topics that's your cue to give this one a skip.

Sorry for the long silence everyone. If it wasn't obvious from my journals/posts on other websites I've been struggling with my mental health pretty fiercely, and it really had gotten to the point where that struggle consumed the bulk of my time. Things got pretty ugly; between my schedule and my psychiatrist's lack of availability any attempt at treatment kept getting pushed further back, and he abruptly dropped me and all of his other clients with no resources or contacts to help us find treatment elsewhere. But that turned out to be to my advantage, as he had diagnosed me incorrectly.

The next person I saw was a psychiatric nurse, and he actually sat me down, talked with me, and gave me an unexpected diagnosis after walking me through the criteria. As it turns out I'm bipolar. The panic attacks I was experiencing so frequently were how my manic episodes manifested, and the bottom of the ocean lows the depressive episodes. It also explained why when my general practitioner tried giving me an anti-depressant I had such a huge panic attack; apparently bipolar people tend to experience mania in response to anti-depressants.

Its been an adjustment to say the least. I didn't know mania could manifest as anxiety and panic, much less did I have any idea I might be bipolar. But looking back even the ways I was trying to depict my mental illness artistically (nothing I completed or posted online) were closer to a depiction of bipolar disorder than anxiety and depression. Even so I'm still trying to digest and accept the idea. Especially since what I'm experiencing as someone with bipolar disorder is so very different from how its usually depicted.

Fortunately I've been able to start treatment, and am actually already feeling better. I've been on Lithium for just a few days now and already I feel more like I did before my bipolar disorder manifested in full. For example I'm having far fewer panic attacks. Its still going to be a while before I'm really stable (bipolar is not something that can be cured) but I'm really hoping to start making art again soon.

But for now I need more time, and ask for your patience and understanding. Thank you for your continued support.