I've been in a very dark place these last few days. I'd been sleeping all day, and crying myself back to sleep at night.

Looking back at my older works, and even my newer ones, I know that I've got people who like my stuff. I might even have people who like me, in general. This isn't the first time, however, I've had a huge meltdown since coming here. I don't understand why folks keep coming back every time I lose it. I don't understand how I have any fans or friends left.

Despite being told the way things really are today by my mother, and despite it reigniting a desire to move forward, I don't feel like it's enough right now. It feels like I'm just going to relapse again someday soon, and that I'll just be right back where I started for the umpteenth time. I feel ashamed that I have to apologize for my actions again, because it feels like I've just been lying for years that I can change for the better.

I've gotten too many strikes against my record. Maybe I really should just retire. It'd be better than constantly letting you all down forever.