I guess, I want to post another blog entry. It's been about a month now.

I haven't been in the greatest of moods the last couple of days. Been sleeping all day, and accomplishing nothing. Taking a walk to gather my thoughts and calm down, at the reluctantly-accepted request of a family member, some more things that should've been obvious have been discovered. My mood prior to this walk had tanked again, and though I'd prefer not to explain why in detail, it had to do with my envy streak. Eventually this got me thinking that I either won't be remembered, or worse yet, that I'll just be remembered for the bad moments and actions of my life.

I know it's hard for me to believe this all the time, but from everything I've been through, I know there are people out there who believe in me. Maybe you're one of them, who knows? But the hard part is, I find it hard to believe in myself. Why? Because I've had no real purpose, perhaps, is just one of the reasons. Self-loathing comes across as an easy answer too, but is not the point of why I'm writing this. The reason I'm writing this, holding off on my younger cousin's daily Sans fight in Undertale, is because I need to confess something -- I haven't put my heart into much of anything lately.

I've been afraid to expand my skills, and to put my heart and faith into my abilities outside of drawing. Even then, drawing's become an easy thing for me to do these days, and I've been neglecting to perform my art as much as I feel I should. In this case, I came to an idea of why I keep coming back to RPG Maker, even when I kept making no tangible progress and rage-quitting as a result. The thing of it is, video games have been my favorite form of media for a long time. Before I could even read, and before I had a family computer, I was playing video games and watching cartoons. Nowadays, there's very tangible proof you don't need to be a AAA game developing team to make something amazing. There's all sorts of indie games, RPGs among them, that can provoke emotion and be just plain fun.

I've been taking the easy way out in game making. I've been too busy copying franchises I like without adding my own spin on things, to the point where I'd been trying to develop blatant ripoffs. I've been complaining too much about the pre-made assets in RPG Maker, while also making no effort to create my own materials. I've been too afraid of people ignoring or giving negative reviews about my game, when I'd refused to make anything outside of database info. Above all, I've whined about not being able to make a game, when all this time I've refused to fail faster because I was too scared to fail.

A lot of this has to do with game making, but I intend to put my backbone and heart into more things of my life, too. In closing, I want to work hard at it once again, and I want to evoke the heart I put into my projects like I did as a child. And speaking of childhood? The last nail in the coffin for my refusal to fail faster was recalling my younger days, and imagining how cool it would be for little me to meet older me, and to have older me finally finishing a game project. Wouldn't little me look forward to growing up because of that, in spite of anything the current me would hint at (or refuse to mention)?

tl;dr? Just want to put my heart into it.