I honestly have no excuse for why I haven't been keeping up with everything. I've been settled into a routine of watching online lectures on biology and psychology, spending some time with my boyfriend Syn when he is off of work, going on outings with my friend Marilyn, and just kind of frittering away my time on intellectual pursuits. I also made my first ever batch of muffins, and of course I had to go with a crazy version - Redbud Blossom Muffins (recipe can be found at Eat The Weeds), since Redbud trees are in bloom here. They turned out surprisingly really great, especially with them being my first ever foray into muffins. I love redbuds and the way they taste so much. Like a mix of citrus and peanut.

But, mainly, I also have been researching and making efforts into getting appointments with psychotherapists, and my first consultation was actually with no psychotherapist, but with a neurofeedback therapist, which is quite different. Using a QEEG and monitoring brainwaves, you are able to operantly condition your brain to help with depression, migraines, etc; help retrain the brain to use different wiring and patterns over time. It is much more evidence based than 'how do you feel?' and when things such as trauma are seated in portions of the brain that cannot be reached through talking and cognitive behavioral therapy, this seems like something that may help much more, and in conjunction with things such as cognitive behavioral therapy. (process video: https://youtu.be/tmMNdDSOpxg?t=48s )

All told, I have been having a lot of problems with motivation, and always have. I do not do well with schedules, especially when an authority figure is there to judge me (perceived or literal), and I desperately need the help.

I have found a fascinating piece of information about a change in activity in the brain in those who have undergone sustained trauma as a child through several years, varying in intensity of course. Along the midline of the brain in the front and back are regions that allocate the sense of the self and how one relates to the self - who you are, what you stand for, what you like, don't like; in the rear of the midline of the brain, relations to the self in terms of how it relates to ones surroundings. Activity in those regions can be vastly diminished in trauma, so that a sense of the self and what you stand for is compromised.

If I apply myself to this theory, it makes a hell of a lot of sense in regards to my difficulties with personal attribution, difficulty thinking on my sense of self - it just feels vacant a lot of the time. Makes it stupidly easy for others to tell me what to do, if I let them. I would be a perfect factory worker, if my migraines weren't around. Thank you, migraines. : 3

At the same time, I do know that there are some things that I stand for, and like - fairness, population growth awareness, zoology, animal behavior, ecology, reason and the beauty of nature. I keep my opinions to myself because I know that I do not have the argumentative clout to support my evidence when everyone else just uses emotional appeals and almost always wins that way, and it's incredibly infuriating. So I accept the fact that I can never 'win', and just try to share knowledge in a positive way, keeping my more fervent, maybe even dark passions to myself. How I don't like children, etc. Because I know they are irrational, and they are not socially acceptable, and they are not constructive or useful.

I am also really saddened and disappointed that no one ever seems as interested in seeing the things I'd love to share, since they are so long. The lectures I listen to and watch are often an hour to an hour and a half each, but are so RIFE with beautiful, wonderfully useful and important information!!! It makes me ache knowing of all of the information and advice lost because no one has the time! :C

In any case, I must plead with you to at least watch the shorter of the videos I share with you here - the implications of these videos and their wonderful knowledge are so amazingly beautiful!

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk on Developmental Trauma - https://youtu.be/hF81MZhwf9Y

The Phylogenetic Tree of Anole Lizards - https://youtu.be/rdZOwyDbyL0

Evolution of the Stickleback Fish - https://youtu.be/Pv4Ca-f4W9Q

Richard Dawkins: Conversation with Ethologist Aubrey Manning (I want to be him when I grow up!) - https://youtu.be/XSNhG5ZIVdM

Cheers, everyone, and I wish you a pleasant day : )