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Reimagine or Retire.... Zootopia and Life by Xilimyth
So yes, Zootopia was a fun, lovable movie that took everything about the fandom that I like and gave it life right before my eyes. A joyous 90 someodd minutes with fun previews that made me smile (Ratchet and Clank for one). The problem was, the aftereffects were far less 'fun'.
For the rest of the day, it was 8 hours of some serious pensive thought.
For those that KNOW me, you know I haven't been the same 'bouncy, bubbily' Xili I was in the past. Much of that stems from real life, where my own value of self-worth has been continuously hammered, my social life becoming more and more reclusive and my home life being shifted badly from a changing 'life balance' with my "roommates" that often leaves me alone in my basement pondering WHAT to do with my day to TRY to smile again.
As many of you have noticed, much per my last journal (now deleted), all but a few select reference images from my gallery are gone. Quickly reflecting on this, the fault of the matter is Xilimyth as she had become was feeling less and less 'right'. I tried a number of things with her over the past year to try to 'fix' this issue, but nothing worked, and in the process, I brought a character I loved down a hole I can't bring her back out of as my connection to her as she is was badly damaged (again, likely by real life events).
The big question I'm dealing with now... Do I try to reimagine her back into a state that I feel connected? Or do I just retire?
I do not have these answers....
A few people that I have talked to have pleaded to TRY to reimagine her, to which I've considered the typical 'winged' cheetah/jaguar/(snow)leopard triad I always fell back on (and of course still leaning toward cheetah), but my problem is given my current state I'm seriously having issue finding that 'spark' again.
This is not a sympathy journal..... but just something factual... MAYBE a small cry for help in order to get me to remember. If anyone has thoughts that are escaping me about this, I'm all ears.
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Prf, oooh, I like Striker's idea above. =O.O=
Alright, in ADDITION to what I said on FA, here's a possible path forward:
1. First and foremost, deal with the "roomie" situation. At least have a plan. And knowing the situation, be gentle, but firm.Reimagine/Realign "Xilimyth", as needed, to something closer to what you feel is you. At least to help you maintain your sanity while implementing the plan in #1.
Attend a con or something as a vacation. Furthemore is a little last minute for me to attend this year. But there's always Anthrocon or MFF. Sure their sizes can be a bit...overwhelming, but you'll be among friends, at least. ^^;
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Work != Real Life.
Work to Live, not Live to Work.
You don't say much about your work/life balance, but if I had to guess, your "real life" in responses to STriker sound an awful lot like your work issues you've had since moving north.
Resolving whatever issues you have going on at home are important, by all means do so. But don't let your job consume you either. Take the vacation. That you have not been to a con yet in all the years of your participation in the fandom speaks volumes. You are not as shy as you claim to be.
You are stronger than this. It can and will get better.
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I remember in middle school that I felt constantly depressed about life because I didn't know what to do about my problems. And inside me I felt very small and sad about things around me. It wasn't until later that I was around more people like my friends and my family, i realized what the problems were. Now that I'm 17, even though I still have some problems, I always do my best to stick to the positive side of things. I learned more and more about what I really want to do and what I want for my life. Judy hops in zootopia was an assertive and determined character that never gave up and never gave a crap about what people thought of her and her dreams. That character has inspired me and i wanted to be the same, never give in to social norms and be unique and push yourself to reach your goal. That helped me go from a small, scared person inside me, to becoming a larger, joyous and generous entity, and it's what helped me with making my own fursona. You just need to know that your learning from experience of life problems, we all are, but we can overcome them if we're strong enough, and I believe that a small, sad dragon cheetah can turn into a large, joyous and generous dragon cheetah is strong enough.
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I hear ya. Went through some bad mojo recently, too. You can only do so much. And remember:
"If you can solve you problem, then what is the need of worrying? If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?" - Shantediva.
Hang in there. :3
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STrRedWolf
I think you more need a weekend, immersed. Thankfully, there is something local coming up.