This is one of my dreams for me:
I want to get married to a beautiful woman and have lots of biological kids.

That is a very simple and normal and perfectly valid dream to have, the trouble with my dream is I am scared of intimacy with a woman, I do not feel like I could be attractive to one, I don’t know how to talk to them without fearing they think I am creepy and I don’t find myself attracted to them.

I think women are very pretty, but I like muscles and bare male chests and pecs and abs more; that excites me and gets my heart beating faster, I like the idea of being held and snuggled by a strong beefy guy. So my own sexual preferences are askew from my dreams, and I am ashamed of that sometimes. I also saw a science video of what heterosexual intercourse looks like from the inside (apparently the missionary position is the best one to use when you’re trying to conceive a baby) but at the end it shows what a woman’s organs look like and I was freaked out, it was not what I expected and I questioned why guys like to look at that stuff and why they would want to stick themselves in there and basically I was finding myself very un-attracted and freaked out. So what does that say about me?

The life that I want is not the life that I have, and that’s basically the universe (God) telling me that my dream is not the plan that was made for me. I was made to be…not 100% straight.

And I resist and resist and I don’t want to accept that as true. I don’t want to be gay, and since I still like girl I consider myself extremely bi-curious. Even that though, I don’t know if it’s a desperate attempt to refuse the facts of who I am. I want to have a family because that’s “normal” and no one would judge me for that - And that right there is when I’m stuck in that situation of not caring what people think, but also fearing the very same thing, so what is going on with me? What is wrong with me? Am I confused? Am I lost with who I am? I feel like it is true sometimes, very often in fact.

I am trapped in this secret that I’ve kind of opened up with but I still despise. I’ve told my immediate family except my Dad that I am struggling with my sexuality. Not that I am afraid of what he would say, but that I don’t want to destroy him. I know he would look at me differently.

If I had been born a girl none of this would have been a problem, but I am not a girl, and I no desire to become one, I am happy being myself as a male but I am unhappy that males are who I am attracted to more.

Of all my grandparents’ grandchildren, I am the only one who is probably in this situation. There is an uneven number of us, so I literally am the odd one out. So to share this struggle with all of the extended family is not happening because I would be completely alone in it, and I can’t have that. I’d rather die.

And in regards to a lot of the family friends and even some of my actual real life friends, everyone is happy and I don’t want to cause even the possibility of any problems by being open and honest with this struggle. They are all Christians and religious and while they are not homophobic, they just don’t talk about that kind of stuff and they would be really surprised and confused about why this was happening to me. And I do honestly feel like it would hinder our friendships. I’d rather struggle on my own than drag people into it. It isn’t fair for me to struggle, so why would it be fair for them?

Yeah I am religious, and I love my church and beliefs, so I really am struggling with all of this in many ways. To be clear, the Church does not view homosexuality to be a sin, only the act of intercourse. And since that entirely freaks me out on any level, I don’t think it will be a problem in real life. Fantasy-wise…well yeah…too late.

Realistically I should not exist. I wasn’t supposed to be conceived when I was and I should have just been a miscarriage. It would have been better, because then none of my problems or struggles would exist and I could have been born possibly later and as a girl and be happier.

FA is a great place where I can hide away from the problems I struggle with and just be free and be myself and people actually like me for being myself. There isn’t any judgement here. I feel safer.

So all that is to say that I am struggling, I don’t like who I am, I’m ashamed of it and I wish I was different, but I can’t be. I’ve tried so hard.

Girls are Pretty, Muscled Guys are Hot, and my dream of a family is a fabrication of my reality.