I decided to take a small break from requests to do some personal art.

This is Jantar McPaws, my male fursona. My first ever fursona. The first creature I ever used to represent myself in my artwork.

I haven't drawn him in ages. Years. Not because Zluta fits me better. Not because I don't like him anymore. But because Zluta was deemed "more appropriate" to represent me by the people in my life. Why? Because Jantar is male, and biologically, I am female.

I have had gender identity issues since I was a little kid. Before I even hit puberty, I hated being a girl. Absolutely hated it. I wanted to be a boy. I wanted to do the things that boys did. But my parents were really big on gender roles when I was growing up; they strongly believed "you are what you were born as" and that was that. I wasn't even allowed to play with action figures growing up, because action figures were for boys. They bought me barbies instead, and I chopped all their hair off and pretended they were male.

There came a point in my life when my parents no longer had custody of me. I ended up in foster care, and with every foster family I lived with, it was the same story. Not quite to my parents' extent, I was allowed to express myself just a bit more, but I still never dared talk to anyone about how I really didn't feel like a girl.

The years passed, and eventually I was adopted by two men. Once I had spent a few years living with them, I decided to broach the subject with them. Maybe they'd be a little more open minded than everyone else I've ever met in my life.

It completely blew up in my face. Their reaction was bad enough that I haven't spoken to them in a long time, and in the four years since this occurred, I have not mentioned having any issues with my gender until very recently.

I am now at the point where I am comfortable with my body as it is. I am biologically female, and I will remain that way. But it's still not who I am inside. And because of how things have gone in my life, what I was taught as a kid, I have it in my head that the way I feel is wrong. I am incredibly uncomfortable with who I am. More recently I've started to talk about things a little bit with a few people I trust, and I'm still getting negative reactions. I've been told by one that it doesn't matter, it doesn't change who I am as a person, whatever makes me happy, etc, etc. And another.... "Well, you can't be transgender for X reason." Well... Why the hell not? X reason doesn't change how I feel, not in the least. That really wasn't the reaction I was expecting to get out of that person, I really thought they were a hell of a lot more open minded than that...

I don't know. At this point, I am simply frustrated. I'm tired of people being judgmental, and I'm tired of people trying to tell me they know who I am better than I do...

Expect to see Jantar more often. I missed my fella~