**Don't take this too personally. I'm writing my thoughts down as they appear and have appeared relating to this piece. Do not give me any of those "B'aww, I thought we were friends" messages. I'd like to think you people are still friends with me. It's really up to you to choose if you want to be/stay my friend or just leave me.

TL;DR--I try not to express myself all the way in front of 99% of the people around me, regardless of who they are and how long I've known them.**

I've been thinking lately about how well I can wear a mask in front of people. Surprise, yes, I wear a mask in front of almost everyone. There's really only one person (maybe two other persons) I can be around without wearing a mask (but I say one because he's who I have talked to the most in the past year or two.)

It sounds harsh, but yes, I may be wearing a "face" or "mask" in front of you who view this or whom I talk to. There are reasons: Caution, Paranoia, Trust Issues, Other Encounters. I've tried being myself in front of people before, and some hated me for it. Why? I have no idea. Maybe because I 'looked' so happy for no reason and they didn't understand why or they were jealous of me expressing such a light feeling.

I'm careful with these masks I wear. And just because I wear them doesn't mean there's not a chip, crack, or piece missing to leak a bit of my truer self in front of you. I'll still be able to show the real face if I'm at a comfortable enough level.

To elaborate on some of these, I'm cautious because I don't like the feeling when people seriously "loathe" me just because I smile more than they do. I've contained that happiness so those around me [who are complete strangers] don't think anything suspicious or whatever. I shouldn't care, but I do because I just get really uncomfortable if I catch a reaction or someone tells me.

I'm paranoid about it [not much, this is minor paranoia] because I've had people literally go up in my face to shut me down. I've had people who see that I'm happy over something and then try to beat me [verbally] to make me crumble and cry so I can be as miserable as them. [what makes this really bad is that I've had three encounters in a student delegation group. They're supposed to show leadership and support in these things, not hostility and pecking orders.]

I have trust issues, a few with people, but mostly with myself. I scare myself when I think about if I want to be myself in front of someone, if I'll drive them away by freaking them out with this "happiness", make them hate me instead of actually wanting to be friends because of jealousy, and if they can actually handle the real deal full time. I've tried showing my real self in front of a few other people after about a year of talking to them. When my life had a rough spot, they quit on me. All but one, I should say. While I do try to release stress by ranting, maybe with two or three users instead of one (which isn't often), sometimes they can't take it. I've had people block me in the middle of a rant because my life was rough for a month and they just couldn't take it.

Other encounters is really just listed there for the general society/forum/site. I've had people ask if I was high or on drugs because I tried to express myself. I've had people argue against my ideas because some of my ideas are way against almost everyone's, and they raged further at me for it within their replies and posted passive aggressive posts elsewhere. It's kinda sad how if you try to express yourself, you'll be criticized for it by at least one person or one group of people.

This piece is linked to the masks I've been wearing all my life and as a vent piece for family drama that happened a few hours ago.

**Art and Character©me
Please do not repost, reupload, sell, trace, reference, steal, edit, or use in any way, shape or form.

This is a very personal piece. I will not respond to a b'aww comment, regardless of if it was serious or a joke. I'm not in the mood for comments like that and I will simply ignore or hide it.***