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Hence Forth Reffered To As The Company by straycat_74 (critique requested)
Every new technology is bound to have a few kinks, but the Genson High Technology Agency has covered it’s assets pretty well with a 17 page legal disclaimer and third party oversight every step of ‘The Process’. And when Carl Barnes wins a life-changing lottery he finds more in store for him than just fame and fortune, he finds himself, and in such a way as he never would have thought possible. (Image used without permission, but it inspired this story)
Submission Information
- Views:
- 758
- Comments:
- 5
- Favorites:
- 2
- Rating:
- General
- Category:
- Literary / Story
Comments
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it's experimental, and imperfect... hence the genderchange (glitch in the code)
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I have been debating whether to post this or not. Decided that it will help you refine it and possibly make the story better. I am also going to keep it short more or less so excuse my bluntness.
I'll start off with the good. You did a 'great' job in the world building and the character building up to the actual change itself. Carl is well fleshed out as well as Arianna and Delva. They have a good amount of personality behind them.
Next up is the 'needs some work' category. The immediate post change is lacking some depth compared to the first part. It does have one bright spot, the scene with the dying kid. But it feels rushed. Carl is a little too 'accepting' of the screw up. Lacks the fear and the anger that one should expect from an unexpected change. Not only that it lacks the fear, whether conscious or not from Arianna and Delva if Carl will stay the same person. After all the mind is the body's plaything. I also spotted a few instances of repeated words and possible spell check choosing the wrong word.
Lastly is the Ugly..
This is the interview at the end of the story. You do a very poor job of portraying it as an act to get at the interviewer. Which i hope is the case because otherwise carly acts like she doesn't even remember being carl. Carl was a smart guy and carly acts as if all men are dumb and borders on the 'femanazi' side of pro-women's attitude. very similar to the attitude portrayed in commercials such as. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9HMhSvnbmk
This runs very much contrary to what you set up in the rest of the story, I suggest either make it a little more obvious that she is putting on a act for the interviewer, who is a bitch btw. Or drop the scene all together-
this was written in 2007, and I have not been inspired to return to it, which is why I posted it with an "unfinished" tag... or it SHOULD have been tagged as unfinished.
All your points are good and valid points. This is the rough draft, unedited, all I did was spellchecking on it.
as for the interview, I've personally talked to two different TV personalities over the years, and both of them were bitches that could barely be bothered to ask me questions that only I knew the answers to... and they never used my answers anyway, because I was too intelligent and they found the stupidest sum bitch 4 blocks away that claimed he saw something, but couldn't even get ANY of the details right.
a second bit about the interview. i tried to FORCE myself to write, and that is what came out. I was in a very dark place at that time, and was trying for ANY emotional outlet, and I shouldn't have. I screwed it up, and just cannot be bothered (uninspired) to go back and change it...
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Okay, that does explain a few things.
You do have a solid base here so if you ever do get the fancy to return to it i would say go for it as a more refined version would make a great story.
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Ligerstripe
Interesting. So the process gave her better hearing but not a better sense of smell.