Sign In

Close
Forgot your password? No account yet?

S-223:Chapter One by RitusTheMarlFox (critique requested)

S-223:Chapter One

     I awake, and feel my entire body burning from a dull, aching pain. Cold, hard metal chills my back and I sit, every muscle protesting as I move.

     My eyes adjust to the dim lights, and I make out my room. It is small and cell-like, with spotless white walls and no furniture except the hard, metal bed I am sitting on. A small security camera hangs in the far corner, watching me intently with its red, blinking eye.

      Immediately I search my mind, desperate for an answer as to what I'm doing here. I try to remember my past, my history, anything- but there is nothing. Only one word burns in my mind, so bright that it is impossible to forget, S-223.

       I think, determined to uncover its significance, before a small flash of light catches my eye. I stand, the floor cold and hard against my feet and approach the room's other side. The security camera slowly turns with me, watching my every move.

        It is a mirror, and as I slowly approach it the figure comes into focus. I stare, even my own body foreign to me.

       My face is foxlike, the word slowly coming from the back of my mind, with a long, thin muzzle, light scarlet fur, and black pointed ears. I stare at my eyes, deep black circles surrounded by amber below long, raven black hair, and examine my body.

     I am wearing a blue jumpsuit, with the same word printed upon the left chest, S-223, in bold black letters. The word rings in my mind until I realize that it is my name, I am S-223.

     I continue to stare into the mirror, taking in the rest of my form.  My legs and bushy tail seem perfectly paired with my sleek, graceful form, and I turn several times, a smile slowly growing upon my face as I admire myself.

    But then, suddenly, lights flash on, and I stagger backwards, shielding my eyes from their blinding intensity. I fear for my life, instinct telling me to run and flee, but there is nowhere to hide, and I cower against the wall.

      Then she speaks to me, a cold, but distinctly feminine metallic voice that seems to come from everywhere, and chills me with its uncaring, almost deadly tone.

       "At long last you awaken, S-223", the voice resounds across my cell walls, "I was certain we'd have to make you a swift appointment with the incinerator, but here you are, alive and well, what a pleasant surprise indeed."

     Fear surges through me at the sound of the voice, but it sounds familiar, recalling blurry, unreadable memories from my past. I turn, and stare into the security camera's burning, emotionless eye.

     "Yes, I can see you S-223, and believe me, you look marvelous, simply marvelous. Come into the light, and let me examine my latest magnum opus."

     Unthinkingly, I obey and step into the room's center, the security camera starting to move along its track rails. It begins to zoom in and out, and then stops, apparently satisfied.

       "Yes, marvelous, wonderful!", the voice says with an air of pride, "You are beautiful, S-223, absolutely beautiful. Once more I have created a masterpiece."

       I don't understand what she's talking about, but the voice babbles on, continually praising her own artistic skill. Pushing away my fear, I muster up enough courage to ask one question.

     "Who are you?", I say, my voice sounding strange and foreign as it exits my mouth.

     The camera whirrs, and then focuses upon my face.

      "Oh yes, introductions, how uncivil of me to forget," the voice states and then continues with an air of pride, "I, bioengineered specimen, am Emlar Cloning Facility's top disk-based AI in control of the entire S-Series production line. As you sentients seem to prefer names however, you can call me THETA."

     I continue to stare into the camera, trying to read her thoughts. Even though her words bear no menace, her voice still carries the same air of icy death, and I decide to let her do most of the talking.

     "I suppose your next question is something along the lines of 'Who am I', correct?"

     I nod, still wishing to remain silent. Something about THETA just reminds me of death and misery, and  she seems to simply summon pain from my hazy memories.

     "Well then, you S-223, are a bioengineered specimen, a speck, a sliver, an insignificant pathetic force in this deadly world. You were cloned from a template exactly 253 days ago, and given just enough DNA variation to be considered…..original or "unique" as you'd like it described.", THETA says, her tone becoming even colder, "You are nothing, you are worthless. You have only one purpose to serve in this world, and even that is above your understanding"

     This news shocks me. I didn't have any idea of who I thought I was, but it certainly wasn't a clone. Shame washes over me, and I stare at my palms, noticing that there my fur is dyed with the Emlar laboratories logo and my 'name', S-223. A spark of anger grows in me as I realize what I am, and I feel immediately inferior to everything except my own kind. I look up at THETA, waiting for an explanation.

     "There, there, S-223", she says in mock kindness, " I know what you're thinking, they all go through this thing you call 'individuality'.  But I'll say again, I think that you'll find this much easier if you focus upon the role you serve Emlar."

     The camera lens continues to glow in its demon-like red, and I stare, even though it is only as small extension of THETA.

     "And that role is?', I spit bitterly, hate for THETA beginning to grow.

     There is a pause, and then she responds, "Studies have shown that subjects have a significantly higher success rate when said role is not revealed."

       This answer is pathetic and mechanical, and before I can even continue to question her, she quickly changes the subject.

     "So, S-223, I forgot to ask. How do you feel?"

      "My head hurts, I feel disoriented, and I just learned that I'm a clone", I say, "How do you think I feel?"

      THETA ignores my sarcasm, "Excellent, said ailments are minor-side effects of the memory wipe you underwent 47 hours ago, and should disappear within 24 hours. You should consider yourself very lucky, S-223, many other subjects who awaken behind schedule experience quite different…..problems."

      "Memory wipe?", I quickly ask, "How severe? What did you do to me!"

     The camera repositions itself as I move about the room, restlessness building inside me. Theta answers once more.

     "Yes, S-223, a memory wipe, a brainwash, whatever term you would prefer. It was performed by yours truly to protect Emlar's cloning procedures and secrets. These 'danger memories' are , of course, quite hard to narrow down, so I performed a complete wipe. All left behind should be simply skills and vocabulary", she gives me a second to meditate upon this news, "Don't worry, consider it a garbage collection. That really was what all that was in there, as I'm sure you'd agree. You should be thankful."

      Thankful!? THETA's words infuriate me. Countless memories were lost in that wipe, all of them irreplaceable. Who is she to judge what is valuable to me?

      I stare back into the camera, and mutter one word, "Monster."

       Immediately the camera motors reposition and Theta replies with a tone of indignity, "Monster? You call the one who brought you to life, picked every sequence of DNA that went into your pitiful body, a monster! Your words sting, S-223, I am your friend, or as close as you will ever get to one in your sad little life."

     The camera's red light then seems to intensify, "The monster, S-223, lies outside in the real world. But of course, you'll be lucky enough to know that by tomorrow; when that moment comes, you will look back upon Emlar and be willing to sacrifice anything to return. Think about that, S-223, hmm?"

       There is a moment's silence and then the door of my room rotates and slides open. THETA's voice continues in the cold, metallic tone, "Come, we have tests to run. I'm sure you'll enjoy them, as it's our own little method of quality control, helps us to weed out the rotten ones like you," there is another moment of silence and the camera's light clicks off, "But don't worry, I'm certain you'll enjoy it, if you're not incinerated of course."

     I then walk outside into the hallway, eager to leave my cell-like room.

S-223:Chapter One (critique requested)

RitusTheMarlFox

Chapter One of my novel, S-223. If you like it, please comment, and if you'd like to read more you can give me a watch! I love your comments, feedbacks and criticisms! :}

Submission Information

Views:
364
Comments:
1
Favorites:
0
Rating:
General
Category:
Literary / Story

Comments

  • Link

    In Media Res is a very valid technique to begin a story with, but since you're beginning with a return to consciousness, I feel like you need to establish more disconnected sensory details before establishing the 'self' and its relation to those details. If you've ever passed out and come back to consciousness, you'll know what I mean--the self is usually the last thing that is realized, and it takes a while to get around to wondering why you are where you are and just how you got there. There should be no 'I' immediately; let the room form before the character does.

    Also, first person is a tricky, tricky POV to tackle--and it almost never pairs well with present tense narration, because it assumes an immediacy and intimacy between the reader and your character that is very hard to establish right away and often doesn't serve a story in which there's meant to be some mystery. It's like 3rd person omniscient - too much is revealed, and the closeness demanded by the POV/tense combo doesn't allow you the freedom to pull the narrative lens back if you want to. I would recommend either switching to past tense narration or, if you don't want the reader to assume the character survives (as is often implied by the 'I am telling you my story' framework of first person/past tense), going with third person instead.

    (Third person/present tense is, on the other hand, totally acceptable, and one of my favorite ways to write.)

    There's no need to modify speaking tags with adverbs, btw. ('"Memory wipe?", I quickly ask'), it's jarring. Just establish the modification in action or narrative emotion('"Memory wipe?" I ask. My patience is quickly running out.')

    Overall a cool and compelling idea and setup; are you working on this for NaNo? Or just on your own?