1 September 2021 at 21:25:35 MDT
For those who don't know me in my personnal life, I am an unstable person. I get triggered a lot, by tons of stuff. I get overstimulated easily. Multiple mental issues. My psychiatrist also thinks there is something neurological behind all that crap, but couldn't put her finger on it. I am very emotionnal and also extremely cold, and ironically hot tempered. I have anger issues. I also happen to have pulses. Violent pulses. I feel like I need to torture something just for the sake of it, but without any reason. It's like a primal instinct of hunting and wanting to hurt and feel pleasure (NOT sexually) out of it. I feel the need to torture something AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I never act on my pulses. I don't want to listen to that creepy looking pulse inside me. I don't want to hurt, I don't want to end a life, or to traumatize something. After such a pulse passes, I get a really big depressive episode. When I wasn't well medicated, I wanted to hang dead animals on the ceilings and on the walls. I was constantly crying and in OR on the verge of a crisis. I have a very dark soul with a very dark and toxic curiosity. For those who wonder : I've been working on myself for years. I've learned to control those pulses by watching hunt videos, surgical procedures, stuff like that. I also happen to LOVE medecine and to love biology, so I teach myself very interesting stuff. The pulses are very strong, but thankfully they are quite rare. I do not plan on hurting anyone. In fact, I do my best to try and keep myself calm, emotionnally stable and in peace. The fight is hard, but it is worth the effort so I can still have friends, birds and my fiance. Also, because of my dangerous pulses and other personnal reasons, we've decided to never have children. My fiance decided to get a vasectomy (he doesn't want to raise kids either. We've talked throught this many, oh so many times). I love that ABDL is helping me A TON throught my mental instability. It is a real saviour! I just don't want to hide it from the crowd : My brain is a mess, my urges are awfully disgusting and I am a cynical loner who's afraid of going out of the house.