"Dear Rusca,

I hope this letter finds you well. I hope the flight to the UK with your friends went well and that guys found a nice hotel to stay in. I know you must be pretty excited about going out to dance clubs and staying there until the late hours. You always love to dance in large crowds with blasting music and blinding lights. You are also not afraid to show off your curves while you dance. You are very comfortable about how you look that you don’t care what others think of you while you freely dance. I wish I had your confidence.

Today, I got off from work early. The meeting went short since one of the employees didn’t show up today. On my way home, I crossed the lady’s garment shop. You remember right - the one with the realistic proportion manikins we saw a few weeks ago? I saw these undergarments that look very pretty and I had to buy them. The clerk asked me who I was buying this for and what size she was. I was a bit embarrassed. Here I am, a male inside a lady’s underwear store. I think I turned red from blushing too hard. If you were here, I wouldn’t be so embarrassed. I made up some stories off the tip of my tongue and rushed out. I got home and decided to try them on, but I hesitated when I saw my own reflection in the mirror. I saw myself, wearing a man’s business suit and my hair tightly pulled back into a ponytail. I couldn’t help but remember that one time I broke down. I know there were many times while you were there, but one in particular stuck out from the rest.

Remember that time about a few months ago when I went to the Galleria Mall dressed as a woman and someone came onto me? When the guy found out that I was really a male due to the fact that my breasts looked fake, he insulted me deeply and I ran home crying. You were home at the time and comfort me as soon as you saw me with tears running down my muzzle. I told you that I hated myself and that I won’t be a full trans as you are. I was very envious over your body and couldn’t stop crying. After you wiped my tears away, you told me to get undressed in front of the mirror. You remember how I was very self-conscientious about my body. You got me down to my underwear and bra and I couldn’t help but cover myself up. I hated what I saw though my reflection: I looked like a man wearing a tissue-stuffed-bra and smelling like perfume. You stood next to me. Compared to my body, your body was a golden temple. Your breasts are fully developed, your body curves and features were in the perfect shape of a woman’s, and your crotch was a bit bigger than mine. I looked incomplete and a failure next to you.

You told me that I was trying too fast to be a trans. I have yet to start taking the hormonal medication to help develop my breasts and features. I just wanted to be like you. I love who you are and how much attention you get for being yourself. You know I don’t have that much friends like you. I was jealous. In some way, I’m still jealous. You spoke softly to me while we stood there:

'You need to take your time and not to rush into things. There is no rush. It’s a very big and difficult life choice to have the features of a man and woman. You have to be confident in yourself before you can start changing physically. There will be a lot of bumps in the road before you can get to your goal. If you go one step at a time and feel more comfortable about yourself and who you want to be, the journey will be smoother.'

I remember your exact words. They rang through me. Now here I am, about to change out of my clothes and put on some woman’s underwear. It still pains me to see that myself naked and looking like a male. I softly repeat the words you said to me and I feel better about myself. I slid on the new undergarments and looked at my reflection.

I smiled confidently and told myself that I will look just as sexy and beautiful as you.

Write back after you are done partying and dancing! I miss you! <3

• Rusc"

characters © Ruscfox on FA

artwork © 2013 Alex Cockburn