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A bit of writing practice by Naka Balloonfox (critique requested)
Kori noticed his tummy feeling very warm, he gently put a hand on it, feeling it wobble gently. Soon he could hear quiet squeaks from inside, his tummy began inflating slowly. He peered down at his tummy, as it inflated, blushing a bit, watching as his tummy covered his paws. He inflated a bit faster, his cheeks puffed up, his arms and legs swelled, and his tail grew fatter. Kori blushed more as his body bloated like a hot-air balloon, floating up to the ceiling and bouncing against it. He looked below him as best he could, noticing he'd attracted a small crowd, everyone laughed at him.
Prose practice for puffy stuff.
Tell me where I can improve!
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- Category:
- Literary / Story
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AreoAnts
Since I don't write, I can't quite give you the same refined critique as one who's had a lot of time writing stuff. I did notice one or two things, though, so I won't let that stop me from pointing it out.
Most notably, there's little context to this. While drawing itself can let you get away with just throwing you right in the middle of it, writing requires giving out a little more set-up behind it. If I boil it down to a summary, the story plays out in this exact order:
Kori feels his belly inflating -> Kori inflates to a large size -> Kori has attracted a crowd -> Everyone laughed at him -> The End.
There's no build-up; his belly just inflates for no explicable reason. Nothing to pull us into what's going on. Kori lacks any personality here, aside from the quick blush, so this just seems like a complete stranger to us. It just happens, and we don't have any reason to connect to the events at hand.
Lastly, but far from the least, was that last sentence. What bothers me about that last sentence is that there is there the flow crashes altogether. "He looked below him as best he could, noticing he'd attracted a small crowd, everyone laughed at him." Speak it out loud to yourself. It feels like two completely different sentences altogether, mashed into one that just doesn't work very well. The way how I'd write it would probably go something along the lines of this.
"Feeling as though he were being watched, Kori managed to pull his view downwards. There, he found that he had attracted a small crowd, who had taken in the sight of a large, fox-y balloon with great delight."
I know this is long, and somebody without experience saying "this is how I'd write it" might not come off well, but if you want a critique, then I'm gonna do what I can to give you one. Don't let it get in the way of your desire to write, but if you wanna pursue writing, hobby or not, you'd do well to figure out how to structure a story. If you find a story you like, try to dissect it, see why exactly you like it, and syphon what techniques you find out of it. It'll help you in the long run.