Sorry i was absent for the whole week, i was too overwhelmed and fatigued to do anything...

Last Saturday's night, on the 23th of February I was on my way back home from a session with friends. i was walking down the alley thinking "i just can't wait to get home and relax in front of the TV". while i was exiting the alley, heading to the right- i saw something lying down on the road, about 10 meters away. at that moment my heart skipped a beat- i realised it was a roadkill. I started running to it- and then the realisation hit me like a brick to the head, it was my cat, Stewie- he lied on the road, his head was smashed. a puddle and splatters of blood were next to the corpse, my cat is dead. He got run over by a car, probably while he was heading home. I sat down, patted his formerly soft fur which turned stiff and a bit soaked with blood, i started crying- cars passed near us, no one even bothered to pull over and ask the young girl why is she crying, if she needs any help. Obviously my plans for that night were irrelevant any more... Later on, after my parents heard about it, i went with my mum to burry him next to the ocean, it was one of the painful moments of my life- my beloved cat, which i had for only a year was dead and gone forever. It's been 6 days since the incident, and i am so depressed and lonely, still trying to process that i will never hear him, touch him, see him- it breaks my heart every time i think about it and right now i am crying my eyes out, I miss him so much, i had so many expectations in life which included him. It's hard, my cat- which was so young, so vibrant - got ran over by a fucking car, what a horrible way to die- another thought which makes me weep even more. I want to think that since his head was hit and he died that moment without suffering, without painful bleeding and slow dying...

I lost a cat three years ago, but it was from a disease (FIV)- a much more cruel way to die, but losing both of them make me think that i bring bad luck to cats- i love them so much, but cannot raise them without causing them death. I did give both the best life i could offer- lots of food, love and attention- but i feel so guilty. I adopted Stewie from a friend, I know that if he stayed there, he would never get run over by a car (because the former owner lives in an apartment and her cats are always indoors) but would not have the same quality of life as he got under my care. So what is preferred? Rich but really short life or long imperfect life? I keep asking myself that, i do not know how to asnwer :/

When i got out to the session, Stewie was indoors. I guess my parents let him out for body wastes and i try really hard not to blame them, but they are responsible for this as well as the reckless driver, the stupid cat which still hasn't learnt how to cross the road and me- for not putting a stool box inside the house during the winter like the vet suggested. However, it isnt matter because sometimes you can't prevent that, at least that's what i am trying to tell myself. If not getting run over by a car, then sickness or heart attacks could have taken his life *shrugs*

Recently, i've been encountering death some times- for instance, i have an art project, and i decided to use real dove wings which was found dead in my yard, i guess the cats hunted it. Also, a few days later i found near my house a dead bulbul bird and decided to use it in the project as well- kind of sick, i know, but i didnt mind. Now i am thinking, maybe my deeds eventually led to my cat's death, maybe karma or whatever, despite i dont really believe in those- but now everything is disturbed, i dont know what to think anymore, i feel so miserable and lonely- the house is so empty without him, i miss his playful times, i miss hearing his collar's bell jingles while he walks and his loud meows, i miss his presence. I feel empty without him- just when i thought "After the stress of school will lessen everything will be alright"- this happens. I now have this typical thoughts of "i never want to own a pet anymore", maybe it will change in the future, but i am so SICK of getting heart broken from animals' deaths- you love them, cherish them and one day they are suddenly gone, leaving you alone and empty even though it's not intentionally..

It's hard cooking food and not seeing him coming and meowing, sit in front of the TV without him joins, light the fireplace and him not lying next to it, he will never come back, he will never talk again, now he is dead.

I didnt tell my friends, because they will never understand how precious he is to me- they think pets are "JUST" animals, heh.

I apologize about all that, i dont want to bring anyone down nor make people feel sorry for me, all i am looking for is just understanding and sympathy and i had to vent, kept it inside for all week

There goes the tears again... ugh, i must carry on and snap out of it, there is nothing i can do to bring him back and accusing would not help...

So instead I try moving on, getting adjusted to the new present and prevent sinking in the deep grief.

Rest in peace Stewie, you will be missed, I love you- and you will always be in my heart.