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Lady Luane by Hawkie

Lady Luane

Hawkie

We all begin with good intent,
Love was raw and young..
We believed that we could change ourselves,
The past could be undone.
But we carry on our backs the burden,
Time always reveals...
In the lonely light of morning,
In the wound that would not heal,
It's the bitter taste of losing everything,
That I've held so dear.

~Fallen - Sarah McLachlan

~

This is a very personal piece of art, and while I normally don't post personal things online anymore, I want, no, need to right now.

A year ago, I lost all my memories. We're talking «go to the ER in a city you have no clue why you're in, hand over your ID with a name you don't recognise as you to the nurses, then get admitted-to-the-ambulant-mental-healthcare-team»-lost. I really hadn't the foggiest clue what was going on, who I was or who I had been.

The following year has been a blur... My focus has been on surviving and improving -- taking the first steps into living healthily: I finally got proper treatment for my mental illnesses and during that I entered a haze... I have few to no recollections of what has transpired between my friends and I starting August 2013 and until now. It's either been depression that nosedived me into Don't Go There Ever or mania that carried me to the land of I Can Do Fucking Everything... and I have few/no notion of what I did/said to any of my friends during both phases.

This memory loss has a scope far larger than I could have ever imagined, and it's only recently that it's dawned on me how much this has affected my friendships, and I still don't know if I comprehend it all...

This is where Lady Luane, art and her creator TimeShift comes into the picture.

I remember TimeShift vividly as a confident, honourable, if at times strange (and this in a very positive way) bird—a close friend that I dared not admit to having a strong crush on (haha, it has to be said, it's relevant to the story), with a sense of honour. and generous of heart. His Lugia Lady, Luane, a headstrong and stubborn character was/is someone I strongly relate to, both personality wise and sometimes injury wise (as one of the recent trips to the ER will confirm).

Then there's what's actually happening.

We aren't talking, it seems. I haven't the slightest clue why, and constantly worry that I pushed him aside, as it's happened before — I didn't recognise the nature of another longstanding friendship and I therefore overrreacted and it got ugly until my memory was set right, it was painful and a right mess... I cried with joy when we made up and I could apologise. Anyway, I fret and fidget, and it bothers me immensely that I'm harbouring all those feelings infatuation brings, and they don't match up with reality. All my logs of my interactions with TimeShift are gone, I must have deleted them...

And then I came across something he'd posted about Luane. During a recent trip to the ER, something beyond that veil stirred. A puzzle piece. I started to recall something. So I drew her in hopes of solving the mystery, in hopes of making things right, and to admit to myself that whatever happened between us, if it was the feeling of love and happiness that remained with me, those were and are my true feelings, no matter what else I've said...

... as the recovering of my memories last year began with meeting athero, someone I wholeheartedly trust.

So this makes sense, that all this loss of self did was a 'reset' -- and I'm emerging from the chaos that can be likened to malfunctions due to lacking drivers, updated security systems and the like. Only the most dear stand out to me now, and the months august-june can't be reliably accounted for, as everything was so chaotic and I wasn't 'myself' during those.

If I have been acting off to anyone else with trying to push you away especially, PLEASE notify me... I would rather we talk this out. If this is also relevant for you, I have medical documentation I'm willing to present to back this state of affairs, as it can sound utterly ridiculous. That said, I have to accept responsibility as well -- no matter my state of mind, your feelings are valid, and if the friendship is bust from your side and you don't want to initiate such communications, I fully understand.

As for TimeShift, I have no idea what I said to him, if I told him lies, the truth, or an outright order to 'leave me alone'. I might never know, no matter how much I wish I could make this past year not count in terms of communications. Y'see, the only evidence I found of us talking is a screenshot he sent me, suggesting flight prices to his residence... indicating a visit that is not happening -- that, given my state of mind, I wish were happening. That is all I have.

Aside from that, all I am aware of is that drawing Luane, and visiting a German-speaking country is helping me in retrieving more of my lost memories, and I'm constantly crying with longing and grief. Frankfurt was very difficult especially... there are many contextless bits and pieces, and my heart breaks in thinking of them all.

Drawing this is one step closer to coming to terms with the unknown, my way of grieving.

This piece of art will soon have a companion piece, featuring TimeShift himself.

Made with copics, yellow ink, arcylic paints and inking pens in a span of 2 days.

Luane belongs to gajus-tempus.

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Visual / Traditional