I haven't updated in a really long time. This was done before the choice I had to make. It breaks my heart, my sweet little boy is no longer here with me. I am still not sure I'm strong enough to go on without him. I cry every night, you're not there to wrap my arms around. Fifteen years was five years past your life expectancy. You did so well, but I couldn't force you to suffer, just to keep you with me. I love you still, but I was a big dog and let you go. Now I really just feel broken.

---

Hadrian (rainbow rottie) is Me
Tyler ( greying muzzle, eyes/brows and ears chocolate/red and tan (now straw from age) 'GSD') is my baby boy, 15 years old. Yes, he's a biopup!

I have pillowcases with spiders and bats and other halloween-ish things. Tyler's pillowcases are pinks/purples with hearts or polkadots. He chose them himself, he's such a femme.

---

We spent hours in the critter's ER, waiting. You terrified me when you couldn't catch your breath without sputtering and choking. I thought then and there I'd lose you. Even through your pain, you offered a tailwag and a loving lick, asking why was I crying for? I held you close, I brushed your coat to help soothe and relax you as we waited for our ride. From six pm to one am, we were there, at the vet hospital.

You weren't too thrilled to be there, you never are. It always means more medicines. However, getting to meet and make new friends makes you happy. You are a brat, you do not listen when I try to make you lay still! You make me laugh and cry all at the same time!

The vet took you back for what seemed like ages, then we were in the room together to wait. He told me things I already knew, but wanted to pretend weren't true. You've lived a long, happy and healthy life, but as usual...when a living thing ages, things start to fail. Your heart was the first, then your sight began to go. Your hearing isn't the best, but I know it's also selective, cuz you're my booger butt. Now, on top of the trachea paralysis you were born with, your air passages are thickening, which means that you don't take in as much oxygen as you really need anymore. It was so late, by time we got to go back home, the vet asked me to call later.

You cuddle up with me and like always, you want to kiss away my tears and make me smile! It sorta works, my heart is heavy and broken. I have tough choices to make. The vet will let me know some answers, like how long you have left of decent quality life? I explained to him that I don't want to selfishly cling to you, forcing you to suffer just to have you by my side still.

How do I tell you that my love for you just isn't enough anymore? Our devotion, the strong bond of what we went through, what we fought against and won... None of that matters now. Hope is gone and now it's down to making the decision. You know, the one everyone who ever adopts a critter as a part of their family must make. Do I let you suffer, how long is it fair to keep you here? I'm not ready to lose you, or let you go. All I ever do is give up bits of my heart. Saying goodbye hurts so much.

I'll always love you, no matter your age, no matter if I have your body or just your spirit with me. You're my four legged baby boy, my puppy forever. I bottle fed you and watched you grow up from day old pup to the now feeble, elderly dog you now are. We had a good run. I guess after we say goodbye and you cross the rainbow bridge, you can chase balls all day long without your arthritis hurting you all night long afterwards. I'll keep that in mind.

If all the money in the world could only give us more, good quality time, I'd sell my soul for you.