First of all: I AM FINE, this song is one I wrote over 2 years ago.

A song describing the feelings and sensations of a deep episode of depression. The anhedonia, isolation, sadness, tiredness, hopelessness. The pressure to act like things are ok for the sake of others. It's more than just being sad. 

For those of you who don't know, I went through some terrible shit in 2019. By the end of the year I was a wreck. This is some vent writing I did around November. of that year. I guess I didn't have it together enough to write down a date, or the chords/melody and so I had to dig through a lot of stuff to find what I could of this and kinda fill in the rest. This is the first original I have put up in a while, and certainly the first original that I have put this much work into so please be kind with the criticism . It's been a bad week. 

To kinda explain what I was going for here. A basic kind of flat acoustic singer song writer type recording focused primarily as a delivery agent for the lyrics. Light harmonies just because harmonies are nice and help kinda illustrate the internal monologue speaking along with the narrator followed by isolation left where the harmonies drop off. A sorta Roger Waters-esque bassline sorta meant to sound a little like a heartbeat. 

Some self critique: I would have liked to have panned the vocals and guitar separately. One left and one right but when I record, a lot of times I will cut the rhythm guitar and vocals at the same time and I guess I need a to get an isolation box for my vocal mic. I also should have changed guitar strings before recording this. I am a little unhappy with the guitar. 

Lyrics:

You ask me how I am and I say fine
No need to burden you with what’s on my mind
Because if you knew how much I hurt you’d be surprised that I’m alive
You’d wonder how I made it all this time

It scares me how it’s darker every time
These walls I’ve built and hate they just keep on rising up
And I’m stuck between them and the pain

What do you do when you feel nothing at all
And when you feel anything its all your fault
I never wanted to be loved by everyone
But it might be enough if I can love anyone

Keep the curtains drawn and be still
No need to let the light in while I’m counting out these little pills
Because the outside world moves on and the sun will always shine
But in my world time just stands so still

I’ve been laying on this couch for a week
My phone’s gone off a few times but I don’t want to see
And I don’t want to be seen

What do you do when you feel nothing at all
And when you feel anything you feel it all
I never wanted to be numb but I can’t handle this
Just turn it off, I’m begging you, I need some rest.

A black dog that always follows me
And I’m so tired I’m laying here with my neck across his teeth
He may well bite down some day but when it’s like this I wouldn’t care
I’m exhausted, just fighting to come up for some air