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The First Lesson - Short Story by LaurenRivers (critique requested)
David Everett has a hard job ahead of him. His two children have declared what they each wish to do with their lives, and he couldn't be more eager. Convincing their mother that they're ready, that's another story. He's got to not only prepare his kids for the world they may face ahead of them, but he's got to prepare his wife for his kids growing up...
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Submission Information
- Views:
- 930
- Comments:
- 7
- Favorites:
- 3
- Rating:
- General
- Category:
- Literary / Story
Comments
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Thank you! While at the moment it may be the earliest point in time my universe has seen, that won't stay that way. I've got plans to go back even further with another character. At the moment my plan is to build a shared universe like the Marvel Cinematic Universe, with a bunch of short stories filling in the blanks to the larger pieces, some of them connected in ways the reader will just have to identify.
My favorite series have taught me how much one can gain from a diverse group of characters, and how much it hurts you when everyone is the same. Differentiation is key.
It seemed only natural, since after all, we get our energy from the sun already, it provides what plans need to grow, gives us vitamin D, and since the Talwyn crystals in their raw form grow like natural items, the energy has to come from somewhere. Obviously if you drain your crystal it won't charge up right away, it takes time, but if you have the time, it will recharge on it's own.
When designing the types of the craft I knew I wanted 12, and that said I had to decide what would give me the best story options and look the coolest in art. Some were simple, Water, Ice, Fire, etc... Others required some thought. Teleportation, Barrier, Healing.... All useful, some more than others. The key was that there had to be types, limits, and rules. Battles are not free for alls, like combat in our world, you have to count your energy use and so on.
The ideal intent is for all the short stories to be stand alone, but when lined up together, they create a complex pattern. :)
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First, there were some elements that I really liked. In particular the 'bridge' using the barrier crystal, nice bit of story telling. Good story telling overall.
Now the critique.
Some of the dialog is a bit clunky. Nothing a little editing can fix.
You’re what I’m sure most recruiters would love to see walking into their office ...If you like crime dramas George V. Higgins's novel The Friends of Eddie Coyle is a masters class in dialogue. I highly recommend it.
Next:
Summoning the zebra waiter to the table, he ordered a drink for himself and his wife, ordering her favorite wine. A moment later it arrived in beautiful crystal stemware.Is there some way to show us that the waiter is a zebra without telling us that he's a zebra? Same with the beautiful crystal stemware It's more work but if it isn't really necessary to advance the story you can just chop it out. I actually like the fact that the waiter is a zebra so it may be worth the effort to 'show and not tell'.
The waiter, towel draped over an elegantly striped arm, took the order and spun gracefully on his hooves ...
A lot more work but gets the idea across. I do this all the time so I recognize it when I see it: show don't tell.
The Robbery: For a daylight robbery I think a 'smash and grab' would be more appropriate. Show don't tell again. You can infer that the thief is a rabbit rather than actually saying that she is a rabbit. I've got some idea's on that if you want to hear them, otherwise I've taken up too much of your time as it is.
Keep working at it. I think you may have a good story here.
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I definitely think you may have something with the waiter, it shouldn't be hard to fix that, and you're probably spot on with the idea of the tweak to the robbery. I'll probably refer to this later when I have an opportunity to do some editing and reupload the third draft when it's set. Soon I should have some more new material to post.
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Shoot, forgot to add.
Some the the dialogue is great. Particularly where David and Topaz are practicing in the park, I wouldn't touch a bit of that.-
I'm glad, I really had fun writing that. I prefer magic universes where there are laws and rules, nothing bothers me more than nebulous rules and infinite power, aka the Harry Potter school of magic. My universe has 12 types of the craft, each with specific functions. ;)
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I made a few edits based on your recommendations, I missed the first one, but mostly minor changes to the first scene at the restaurant and the latter scene at the store. I decided 'Stop, thief" sounded too cliche or something and changed it to "Stop her!" more likely that someone would say that, I think.
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Renierd
For a short story, and the introduction to a larger story canon, I think this was very good! It had plenty of detail, both with characters and the environment, diverse personalities and had some real cool ideas. I particularly love the whole sun charged crystal idea, especially when they come in multiple flavors! Love seeing the more supportive and passive magicks getting some love!
My only criticism of this short story is that, probably to be expected, I didn't know as much about the main setting as I wanted. This is probably because it is a short story, and will be explained later, so.. It's negligible as a critique :P
Overall, a very good introduction to a larger story and a great stand alone!