Copy pasted from my FA, read if you care you popufurs

Its about 11:16 at night at the point of starting to write this journal. I feel as though I should really just bring out a few things, namely as to my negative attitude towards a lot of people, or the view I've been expressing.

In all honesty, I've gotten really tired of doing anything except working. Getting up at 3-4 in the morning to be out the door before 6 and then working till 2:30-3pm has taken a bit of a toll on me, namely with the work we've had come through when working weekends and such 3 straight weeks. I know people have got jobs that do tons more hours compared to myself but since I haven't, its just draining. I come home to sit down on skype to see.. nothing.. nothings going on. A majority of my friends have either been up till 2-3am in the morning and are either sleeping or out and about or they're on the other side of world where I really can't do anything except talk on skype.

To be fair I can understand that people have got it harder than me, I know that and I never wanted that beaten into my head as much as it has been over the past week, but I'm really at a point where I'm just too tired to do anything. Not physically, mentally or emotionally more. Part of me has kept saying to make and work on models, where another part has said stop wasting your cash on something that's not going to be noticed. Part of me has been telling me constantly to keep trying to draw, where a decent majority of myself has said to not, and I've agreed with that whole. How are you meant to enjoy something that's not fun? I know people don't earn their talent overnight, I know that and again, I didn't want it bashed into my head, but how are you meant to enjoy practicing drawing a circle for hours and hours? I mean hell, how many people really cared about what I actually did? How many people really did? Not a lot, sometimes not even unless I nagged them about it and they did it to shut me up.

I want to be able to draw anything that comes to mind without having to throw cash constantly about. There's also the issue of time and time zones. Seeing someone post a journal when I'm at work saying they've just opened up again for commissions so I'll note or contact them when I get home but NOPE, that doesn't happen because they're already full by the time I finish work. I don't want to heckle the same artists over and over again for work because then it makes me feel like an asshole. At the same time, I'm too much of a dickhead to learn how to draw properly for myself.

I've talked with people about my issues, namely how I really am getting sick and tired of being thrown around like a ragdoll by people. "PLAY THIS" "No I'm busy/tired" "PLAY THIS!" You know how irritating that is? It's why I stopped playing LoL or really any other multiplayer games with my friends. My interest in games changed anyways so I moved onto other games and ask my friends to at least at the minimum, to try them. Some do, some don't. In the end I've just accepted it, my friends don't really give a fuck about me and live their own lives.

To be fair I've thought about vanishing more than once. Just never coming back here, hopping in my car and just never stop driving. That or killing myself, but some factors stop me. Not really the hurt I'd leave behind, because I would never know how damaging it really was, but then again.. thinking now on it, at least then people would pay a little respect, wouldn't they?

I'm sorry if this is a fucked up and stupid journal, but I needed to get this out. Venting doesn't fix the problem nor does this, but at least then people can actually see what's wrong instead of some journal with a few words. If anyone reads and responds I'll be really surprised to be honest.