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A Rant About Something I Don't Usually Talk About by literaryfurball

So something I haven't been very open about is my gender and I'm just going to go ahead and say it, I am transgendered. I was born with a female body and a male mind. Part of being born in a female body is a monthly process that I'm sure I don't need to actually name because for me the name itself can be very squicky to me. When this happens I get extremely temperamental and have to avoid coming into contact with other people. This, for most people with a uterus is a result of the hormone shift that occurs during the cycle but for me this ill-temperament is due to dysphoria and it makes me feel, for lack of a better word, disgusting. I become suicidal, depressed and self-harming. I feel filthy and unclean, as though what I'm experiencing is a disease that I might give to someone else. This brings me to the point of this journal: It's incredibly upsetting to feel like an invalid being forced to work as opposed to feeling like I'm handling a natural part of being female. I was raised with the belief that having this cycle is empowering and natural and nothing to be ashamed of or disgusted by so when I do feel ashamed and disgusted I feel guilt. I feel guilty that I don’t appreciate having what some females don’t, guilty that I can’t just be normal and it is crushing. I hate this feeling, this incredible shame.
I don’t want to keep droning on and on but I just want to remind people who have female to male (FTM) transgendered people in their life, if you notice that person is feeling upset around the same time every month, just try to make it easier for them if possible because even though women all around the world handle this cycle every month, for an FTM trying to work or go to school or be a parent, having this cycle feels like being chronically ill and being expected to function normally.

A Rant About Something I Don't Usually Talk About

literaryfurball

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    Thank you for sharing this.
    I'm on the other end of the spectrum myself, and reminders of the dissonance we all have are never fun
    To have it drain you, and upset your emotions, and the resulting things that level of a rememdiner must do to you... I can't even imagine.

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      yeah, I've dated mtf women and I see how it affects you all too, I know it's not just ftms who have things that make them feel wrong. I feel for all of us who suffer from dysphoria and I hope everything goes well for you. Thanks for commenting on this journal, I appreciate hearing from others who have gone through the same things I have.

      • Link

        Oh, things have gone pretty damn well for me I think, appart from a period of depression caused by an HRT over-perscription
        I've been very lucky :3

        • Link

          I'm glad things went well for you and that even when a problem popped up you were able to correct it. You're quite lucky but I would also say very brave :)

          PS: Sorry for such a late reply, I had a whole ton of life happen at once and I haven't been as attentive to weasyl as I want to be.