So something I haven't been very open about is my gender and I'm just going to go ahead and say it, I am transgendered. I was born with a female body and a male mind. Part of being born in a female body is a monthly process that I'm sure I don't need to actually name because for me the name itself can be very squicky to me. When this happens I get extremely temperamental and have to avoid coming into contact with other people. This, for most people with a uterus is a result of the hormone shift that occurs during the cycle but for me this ill-temperament is due to dysphoria and it makes me feel, for lack of a better word, disgusting. I become suicidal, depressed and self-harming. I feel filthy and unclean, as though what I'm experiencing is a disease that I might give to someone else. This brings me to the point of this journal: It's incredibly upsetting to feel like an invalid being forced to work as opposed to feeling like I'm handling a natural part of being female. I was raised with the belief that having this cycle is empowering and natural and nothing to be ashamed of or disgusted by so when I do feel ashamed and disgusted I feel guilt. I feel guilty that I don’t appreciate having what some females don’t, guilty that I can’t just be normal and it is crushing. I hate this feeling, this incredible shame.
I don’t want to keep droning on and on but I just want to remind people who have female to male (FTM) transgendered people in their life, if you notice that person is feeling upset around the same time every month, just try to make it easier for them if possible because even though women all around the world handle this cycle every month, for an FTM trying to work or go to school or be a parent, having this cycle feels like being chronically ill and being expected to function normally.