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Relationships by RainbowFoxy
kind of a vent, feel free to ignore this. Its a lot of word-shitting from being sad, so half of this is rambling that makes no sense.
I spent a very nice night with my boyfriend last night. I mean it, it was wonderful and I'm glad I got to spend time with him before he leaves for college, even though we didn't spend nearly as much time as I wanted to this summer. Summer came and went just like that, and neither of us know where its gone. It seems just like yesterday that I saw him walk up on stage, accept his diploma, and graduate with so many honors and multiple diplomas, I... I'm so proud, but at the same time, it just hurts knowing about the next course that life needs to take. College/Uni is a huge adventure, but with adventures comes hardships, too.
We had a talk about our relationship. Frank and honest, just very realistic and real. Nothing intensely negative, but we needed to take that moment to reflect on the fact that what is to come will indeed be difficult, and some expectations will need to change, and equally, if any personal feelings change, there needs to be comfort to talk about that and address that if needed.
If its meant to be, its meant to be. But if it isn't... things change. And thats okay.
But yeah... thats the conversation we had. It was a fine conversation, nothing extremely upsetting, but I guess after having to have that talk, its really really sinking in that its going to be hard, and maybe so hard that we want to give up at times. And the thought of that is scary. But thats reality. So yeah... I'm kind of down and trying to come to terms with this stuff.
I love my partner to pieces, and I have fore a very very long time; but we both know damn well this is going to be very, very tough. No more seeing each other every day during the school year. Heck, not even once every few weeks like over the summer. Once every few months if I'm lucky, but otherwise, we're looking at a year of not seeing each other in person, something thats very important to our relationship given how we function. And I'm concerned that some changes that would make the distance easier would be hard to implement due to like preference and habit, so its just.. its something I don't really want to think about, but I have to. So just... at the moment I'm really down about it, so I guess this is kind of a vent journal?
So yeah.. I haven't really dealt with a long term partner having to move away ever, so this is just.. difficult to say in the least. As a comments discussion topic, I guess I would really appreciate it if you guys had some advice for long distance relationships if you've been in them? And like, maybe some positive stories that are relevant to this.. or just link me funny cute things to cheer me up, because I am honestly experiencing such an intense tangle of various emotions and all of them are resulting in tears right now. Something to help me smile would be really nice; I feel really dumb having to ask people to send me funny and uplifting stuff, but it would help a lot.
Which brings me to the topic of me just.. I'm gonna be having a hard ass time, so if I'm moody or seem off, just know that I'm dealing with a lot of real life shit, and this relationship stuff is only one teeny piece of all of it. And if this teeny piece has this big of an affect, the rest is.. everything has been messy. But yeah, I mean, I;ve made some nice friends recently, which I am extremely thankful for, and just.. since its been a problem before, talking about my boyfriend is a coping mechanism to help me accept the fact that like, you know, the whole distance thing, and still feel good about my relationship and forget how much distance hurts. But like.. yeah I mean I guess I would really appreciate general support and understanding to be able to converse about this with friends? This is very rough on me right now, and if anything at all can make it better, I would want to try it. And talking does help, but i just don't seem to have anyone at the moment that I feel like can listen to me? Like, not that its like I don't feel comfortable or something, but I just like... I feel bad sharing my problems and expecting support, because any time I have done that in the past, I either get no support, a cold shoulder, etc. Like regardless of if I offer support or not, I never get that back most times, and its.. yeah I don't know, I'm rambling, when I'm sad i just shit out words, I'm sorry.
I feel like the best thing this situation needs is a positive outlook that would fuel the healthy and budding relationship we would want to have, but sometimes its just so darn hard being positive when it feels like everything you want right now is getting crudely ripped and torn out of your fingertips. Knowing that we won't see each other in person for a long while is even worse and makes it hurt even more, so.. we're trying to make the best of it, but like I said.. it hurts...
It hurts a whole damn lot, and its the worst feeling when things finally fall into place in your life, only to be whirled around and messed up in random directions by the windy expanse of life once again, so that you need to get up and chase after them. Chase as hard as you can with all your energy, and hold on for dear life, trying to pin it down so the wind doesn't rip it away from you, once again.
Just as it always has.
Relationships
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I've been in three long distance relationships-two of which worked out. My first was with my partner Kurz. I've been with him since 2001. When we first met we didn't meet in person for six months. It sucked but eventually we moved in together. The second relationship (our first time being poly) ended after six months. We'd gone to meet him and brought him home to live with us but after a week we threw him out. Turns out he'd been using us.
Our second poly relationship went a lot better. After knowing Kat a few months he came to visit. We had a lot of fun and knew it was for sure love the real thing. After a week he went home and we weren't able to see him for an entire year. He was living in Texas (in the very house we're living in now) with his ex-partners who he was/is still on friendly terms with. He wanted to make sure they'd be OK so he had to fix things so that once he moved out to RI to be with us they'd be OK.
It was very hard and there was some resentment (they didn't really help him much so it took him longer). Not being able to spend time with him in person sucked though we had the benefit of being there for each other. Still-Kur and I were more friends than lovers at that point due to marriage issues that are only just now starting to get a lot better. It was more like we were room mates who happened to share a boyfriend.
The long and short of it is that LDR's CAN work out and that we eventually ended up living with him in RI for a year and then moving down to Texas. We've been together IRL for five years now and we'll have been together for a total of six years this coming October. The only suggestions I have are that you're not alone and that you shouldn't let the distance last more than a year if possible. Start working on figuring out visits and if there are ways the two of you can meet up as often as possible and DEFINITELY make sure you're working towards moving in together sooner rather than later.
LDR's get a LOT harder once you hit a year BUT I wouldn't let the thought of time/distance apart keep you from pursuing the relationship or make you think it's an impossible endeavor. For what it's worth I wish you both the best and hope you take heart. My adventures in relationships have been overwhelming positive experiences so far. I hope you find the same is true in the future as well.
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Personally, I am rather adventurous and would gladly experiment with polyamory to see if it was something healthy for me; I feel like a girlfriend to share between myself and my boyfriend (he's straight, I'm.. well, fluid is a best fit label. Sexualities are complex) might be an interesting experience, but simultaneously I feel as though that is not something he would like, so I would not suggest it unless it was a necessity to spice things up for the two of us. I CAN be a jealous person, but I feel as though if the third party was someone I loved just as much or similarly, it would subside some of those doubtful feelings.
bUT ANYWAY, keeping it back to the monogamous relationship that I'll probably maintain that way for ever, knowing my partner, what is a little relaxing to know is that my friend has friends in his college, and she tells me that they have a very long winter break, which is in December. That means I could see him fairly frequently over that break, to subside some of that separation anxiety. We can also try to text and Skype when school isn't absolutely destroying his free time, which would also be comforting. Lots of people suggested spending time with friends and concentrating on self improvement as a way to distract yourself from the separation anxiety and making the best of the situation, too. Which is what I plan to do. But yeah, according to my friend, she feels like the length of time of physically being apart shouldn't be more than a couple months at a time. Absolute worst case scenario would be a whole school year (some 9 or so months) of not seeing each other, which in retrospect is better than a full 12-month year. I just hope I hope I hope that they have holiday breaks, and that he can visit.
We also both need to be flexible and work out some habits and develop some new ones. For example, I need to calm the fuck down and stop reading into every little thing and psyching myself out, and figure out ways to relax and not play the waiting game when it comes to hearing from him, and alternately, my boyfriend needs to be more open/talkative with me about stuff and try to send selfies (I can't go a very long time without seeing his face in a picture, its comforting. But he hates taking/sending selfies. But its something that we can slowly experiment with so it works for us both).
Its definitely going to be an adventure and a hurdle, but I am damn straight motivated as fuck, and I adamantly refuse to lose him a second time over some stupid little bullshit problems that can be solved with some maturity, discussion, and persistence.
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As far as negative thoughts here's some stuff I've had in a notepad that you might find useful.
"The goal is to minimize distorted thinking and see the world more accurately. You start by learning the names of the dozen or so most common cognitive distortions (such as overgeneralizing, discounting positives, and emotional reasoning; see the list at the bottom of this article). Each time you notice yourself falling prey to one of them, you name it, describe the facts of the situation, consider alternative interpretations, and then choose an interpretation of events more in line with those facts. Your emotions follow your new interpretation. In time, this process becomes automatic. When people improve their mental hygiene in this way—when they free themselves from the repetitive irrational thoughts that had previously filled so much of their consciousness—they become less depressed, anxious, and angry.
One of the great truths taught by Buddhism (and Stoicism, Hinduism, and many other traditions) is that you can never achieve happiness by making the world conform to your desires. But you can master your desires and habits of thought. This, of course, is the goal of cognitive behavioral therapy.
Mind reading. You assume that you know what people think without having sufficient evidence of their thoughts. “He thinks I’m a loser.”
Fortune-telling. You predict the future negatively: things will get worse, or there is danger ahead. “I’ll fail that exam,” or “I won’t get the job.”
Catastrophizing.You believe that what has happened or will happen will be so awful and unbearable that you won’t be able to stand it. “It would be terrible if I failed.”
Labeling. You assign global negative traits to yourself and others. “I’m undesirable,” or “He’s a rotten person.”
Discounting positives. You claim that the positive things you or others do are trivial. “That’s what wives are supposed to do—so it doesn’t count when she’s nice to me,” or “Those successes were easy, so they don’t matter.”
Negative filtering. You focus almost exclusively on the negatives and seldom notice the positives. “Look at all of the people who don’t like me.”
Overgeneralizing. You perceive a global pattern of negatives on the basis of a single incident. “This generally happens to me. I seem to fail at a lot of things.”
Dichotomous thinking. You view events or people in all-or-nothing terms. “I get rejected by everyone,” or “It was a complete waste of time.”
Blaming. You focus on the other person as the source of your negative feelings, and you refuse to take responsibility for changing yourself. “She’s to blame for the way I feel now,” or “My parents caused all my problems.”
What if? You keep asking a series of questions about “what if” something happens, and you fail to be satisfied with any of the answers. “Yeah, but what if I get anxious?,” or “What if I can’t catch my breath?”
Emotional reasoning. You let your feelings guide your interpretation of reality. “I feel depressed; therefore, my marriage is not working out.”
Inability to disconfirm. You reject any evidence or arguments that might contradict your negative thoughts. For example, when you have the thought I’m unlovable, you reject as irrelevant any evidence that people like you. Consequently, your thought cannot be refuted. “That’s not the real issue. There are deeper problems. There are other factors.”"
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Making assumptions about others was my biggest issue. I would assume they thought things about me (generally bad things) instead of either asking or just not worrying about it. Thinking the best of people until proven otherwise might bite you in the butt now and then but I've found it is more of a positive than negative thing.
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DarkRyuukin
Emotional pains are worse than physical, I'm really sorry about this :c -hug- if you need to vent more im always here